Dating 101: Let’s Be Honest

Jonathan Pokluda | 07.09.12

Continued from part 1.

Dating does not have to be confusing or complicated; most people just make it that way. If both parties would simply be honest, and intentional, we could avoid many of the dating complaints I hear. Here are some more of those complaints:

Girls “claiming” a guy, because they like him

Ladies, he is not yours. You do not own him. If you have broken up, that means he is probably going to eventually look for someone else to date (and you should too, eventually). If you have not broken up because you never dated, then that quite clearly means that he does not belong to you. You have no right to control who he might date.

I know it might hurt if he chooses someone else. Be honest about those feelings with the girls in your life, ask for prayer, and turn your focus elsewhere (Matthew 6:33). If his new someone is a friend of yours, I know that is really messy. But please remember, he was not yours because you “liked” him. Work to let go, and move on. Also, consider how your feelings got to this place. Ask the girls in your life to help you with not creating an unhealthy attachment to someone you are not in a relationship with.

Girls taking a couple of dates too seriously

Say it with me: “It’s just coffee.” His “Would you like to grab coffee sometime?” does not equate to “Will you be the mother of my children?”

I could advise you to ask questions so that you know where you stand. However, better advice would be to only date guys who clearly let you know where you stand, so that you don’t have to ask. Guys, help me out here. Defining the relationship (a DTR) never hurt anyone.

Guys are not intentional

Again, in case you missed it: a DTR never hurt anyone. Guys, do you want to understand women? OK. Lesson number one: they wonder a lot. They wonder about how you feel about them, wonder how to interpret what you said, and wonder what you meant by how you acted, what you wore, or why you ordered what you ordered at Starbucks. You can help them out by being honest and letting them know what you think about them. If you say you will call, call! Honesty might be difficult for boys, but for men it is a way of life.

Men are honest with care. The “with care” part does not mean “less than the truth”, and the “honest” part does not mean, “punch to the gut”. Work to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).

I am asking you to be intentional, but not intense. “Intense” prophesies the next 15 years on date one. (Say it with me: “It’s just coffee.”) “Intentional” says: “I had a great time, and I’d love to see you again sometime soon. Can I call you next week?” Just be sincere (Romans 12:9).

“Frates” or “friendationships”

This is the new “friend zone”, where the guy asks a girl on a “friend date” (a “frate”) or carries on a close friendship with her. Girls, you are left wondering whether you are his buddy, or potentially his future bride. He gets the emotional connection with the opposite sex that he desires, and you get left with lots of questions. He plays with your heart, and your heart is left confused—or worse, hurting.

If you are wondering why he is texting you at 11 p.m. to tell you goodnight, when he has never even asked you out, text him back with something paraphrased from 1 Corinthians 14:20: “Grow up!”

Leading people on

Not cool. If they are just a friend, say so; don’t go about building someone up for a more devastating fall. Be honest (1 John 2:21). We might cry for a minute and hate you for a few days, but we’ll get over it. Just because you don’t know what you want, does not give you the right to try and have everything. You are not a “player”; you are a child.

Men, if you are not ready to get married, then don’t pursue a relationship—much less anything physical. Ladies, if he wants to kiss you but not be committed to you, let him be someone else’s “prize”.

Dating does not have to be confusing or complicated; most people just make it that way. Don’t make it that way.

To be continued in part 3.

JP

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