You’re driving around listening to Driver’s License and even though you’re definitely not 16, that song hits different and you want to get back together.
But should you? Has enough time passed? Is it an “on again off again” relationship?
Or maybe it’s your first break up … how long is too long to hold on to hope?
Those are hard questions to answer and we want to help! Here are 4 things to think through when you’re considering getting back together:
What are the qualities that attract you to them?
Often times we want to get back together because our ex was either super-hot or was a really good friend. Maybe both. We miss him or her. We find ourselves thinking, “Oh, I wish I could tell him/her about _____.” Or that one song comes on in the car and you can’t help but think about the last time y’all were driving around singing it at the top of your lungs.
Good friendships are so valuable and, at times, can be hard to find. It’s natural to miss our good friends when we spend time apart. But what made your ex such a good friend?
The best friends (and the best boyfriends and girlfriends) you’ll ever have are the ones who love Jesus and are living a life that proves it. Is your ex following Jesus? It’s one thing for him or her to call himself or herself a Christian, but it’s another thing to live like one…
Is your ex a member of a Church? Does he or she read their Bible regularly? Is he or she marked by godly character (Galatians 5:22-25)? If so, that’s a strong green light. But if the answer to any of those questions is no, then you shouldn’t get back together…. But that’s them. What about you?
Have you stopped to ask yourself if you’re in a good spot to date?
The same standards should be true of you. Are you following Jesus? Are you actively confessing sin with a small group of believing friends? Are you committed to God and His word? If not, you should rethink getting back together.
But at the same time, you can be committed to Jesus, and still not be ready to date. Are you still waist deep in that pornography addiction? Have you processed any mom or dad wounds from your childhood?
In one of our most recent podcasts, JP said, “If you’re at this place where you feel like you’re drowning in life, and you just want someone else to support you—or a buddy to swim with—as soon as they get near you, you’re going to pull them under…drowning victims will drown others.” We don’t want you to pull your girlfriend or boyfriend under water, so ask yourself, “Am I healthy?” If you can’t confidently say yes, try taking some steps to get well before jumping back into a relationship.
And here’s the good news—you don’t have to get well all by yourself. James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” Start getting well by spending some time with some believing friends of the same gender. Confess and pray together.
Why & When
What makes you think you should get back together?
What’s changed since the last time y’all dated?
You’ve got to have a good reason…and trust us, though it seems fun, that chemistry you two share isn’t a good enough reason. Ephesians 5:3 says, “But among [Christians] there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” If you want to get back together because you miss that chemistry, you should think twice.
Ask yourself how you’ve grown since y’all last dated. What’s changed? The goal of dating isn’t just to find and keep a boyfriend or a girlfriend. It’s to find a spouse—a husband or a wife. Maybe you broke up because you realized you weren’t ready to get married. Are both of you ready now? Are both of you committed to following Jesus, running from sin, and emotionally healthy? If the answer to all of those questions is yes, then you’re in a really great spot!
Breakups are hard and navigating the possibility of getting back together can be even harder. But here’s the deal: God has a plan. He’s not done with your story. You can trust Him. What he’s doing is good—even if it’s hard to see it.
“The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.” – Psalm 145:14
David Marvin & Emma Dotter