How to Break Bad Dating Habits

When my wife and I were dating, we had no conflict. Zero. It was concerning to us. We would ask friends and mentors like, “We never fight. Is that weird?” I remember one time going to a mentor couple and saying, "Is it weird that we never fight?" And they said, “No, y'all will probably never fight. We never fight.” And we thought we were set.

So, we got engaged, we got married, we went on the honeymoon, we came back—and it’s bliss for two weeks. And then we started fighting. In that moment, wallowing in my self-pity, I felt like I heard from God: “Tyler, your real marriage starts now. I don’t care about all those vows you said. It’s this moment—right now—where you look at your bride and say, ‘Regardless of what I’m feeling, I choose you. I love you.’”

What God did in that moment was peel back a pattern in my life: When things got hard in dating relationships, I ran. Part of that was personality. Part of it was growing up in a big family, and knowing when things got chaotic, I could just run to my room to escape. But now in my young marriage, God was forcing me to deal with myself.

Why do I tell you that? Because if you are in a cycle of toxic relationships, situationships, and flirting that leads nowhere, it’s fair that you might ask, “Why does this keep happening to me?” I like this question because it forces you to stare at your own patterns and behaviors to figure out how you keep winding up back at square one. But if I’m being totally honest, it also reeks of victim mentality.

If I were having coffee with you, I’d ask some follow-up questions: What are the bad habits in your life that you're locked into? What do you need to be freed from?

This gets to the root of the issue and narrows in on a more helpful question to ask yourself: “How do I break free from my bad dating habits?”

Where Do You Start?

We’re going to look at Peter’s life as a case study for your dating life. Peter was the “ready-fire-aim” guy. Great intentions, but all over the place. He was a fisherman who dropped everything to follow Jesus — yet he constantly acted before he thought.
For example, in Luke 22, when Jesus told his disciples, “I’m going to die,” Peter said, “If you're dying, I'm dying with you.” This sounds heroic, but Jesus responded, “By the time the rooster crows tomorrow, you'll deny me three times.” Peter didn’t think it was possible, but that’s exactly what happened.

You might be wondering what this has to do with you wanting a healthy relationship, so let me share three helpful takeaways from the story of Peter’s denial of Jesus:

1. Position – He wanted to follow Jesus, but not when it would cost him something
2. Pressure – His fear of other people’s opinions led him down a path he never meant to follow
3. Posture – He lies and hides when opposition arises

It’s easy to point your finger at Peter and imagine that you’d never give in to the pressure, but often we see Peter’s responses reflected in our own dating lives. In order to break free from some bad dating habits, you need to hold fast to some key reminders.

Cling to Jesus Even When It Costs Something

Instead of being “covered in the dust of your rabbi,” fully following in Jesus’ footsteps, you might find yourself only associating with Him when it’s convenient or benefits you. Maybe you toss a verse in your Instagram bio, show up to church or The Porch when your schedule allows, or shoot up a prayer before a big presentation—but when following Jesus starts to cost something, you pull back.

If it risks a breakup because of your convictions, demands a change in how you spend your weekends or mornings, or makes you stand out as “that Christian,” you hesitate. In those moments, Jesus isn’t your end goal—He’s just a means to get what you want. We have to be bold in our faith in even the moments when our comfort is on the line, because nothing is worth anything if we don’t have our eyes on the One who gives everything meaning.

Keep Your Convictions in Every Environment

If your dating convictions shift depending on who you're around, it might be time to pause and take inventory.

• Do you let the crowd or culture decide what’s right and wrong for you?
• If everyone else is cool with something, do you go along with it, even if it doesn’t sit right deep down?

Think about how much you change when you start dating someone: your wardrobe, your music taste, your standards, your habits. Sure, some change is normal—but if you find yourself morphing into whoever you're with, ask yourself: am I being authentic, or am I just a chameleon trying to be accepted?

Some of you shift your convictions and standards every time you start dating someone. You’re so hungry to be accepted and loved that you’re willing to set aside deeply held beliefs just to align with them.

And if that’s you, I’d be really concerned—not to shame you, but to wake you up. Right now, you might only see the positives in the relationship, but if you’re already willing to compromise your values this easily, you need to ask yourself: what else would you be willing to give up?

Don’t Just Be Honest, Be Receptive to Feedback

Are there people in your life who you know love you, but you’re not being honest with them—or even listening to them? You might be putting them in a position where they either have to lie to keep a relationship with you or risk being cut off for telling you the truth, and that’s exhausting for the people who care about you most. Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety,” but instead, you might be living out Proverbs 18:1—isolating yourself and ignoring sound judgment.

If you’re sneaking around, hiding parts of your relationship from the people who know and love you, that’s not romantic—it’s dangerous. You’re not living a fairy tale; you’re walking straight into a nightmare. I’ve been there—there were multiple times I dated someone my family and closest friends had concerns about, and instead of being curious or open, I got offended.

I didn’t want to hear the truth, so I surrounded myself with people who would just tell me what I wanted to hear and shut out the ones who truly knew me. That was a mistake. If you’re doing that now, wake up. Be mature enough to ask questions and seek wisdom, not just affirmation. Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.” When I started dating Jen, it was completely different—we couldn’t wait to introduce each other to our families and friends.

Even though they didn’t live nearby, we made it a priority to seek their wisdom and ask hard questions. We committed to living in the light and have no regrets about that.

Know We’re Forgiven and Restored by Jesus Christ

Let’s pick back up with Peter — what happens after he denies Jesus, sees Him hung on the cross, and then meets Him again in the resurrection.

In John 21:15-17, we see Jesus reestablish His relationship with Peter and remind him of his calling. He calls him close, gives him leadership, and reverses his denial by allowing him to declare his love for his Lord.

We see Peter continue on, empowered by the Holy Spirit, to become a leader in the early church and make the gospel of Jesus Christ known. (Acts 4:19-20) While you may be sitting there keeping track of all of your romantic shortcomings and constant disappointments, the Bible tells the story of our God, Who brings broken, messy people into His family and empowers them through His Spirit to experience life change.

God’s not scared of your past; but He is welcoming you into a much brighter future.