How to Break Up and Move On

No matter the fairy tales you dream of or the happily ever after you anticipate, many of us have lived through the pain of love gone wrong. Maybe it’s from constant communication breakdowns that left you on different pages, a string of broken promises despite their best of intentions, or the emotional exhaustion of tangoing through trouble one too many times. On top that, this painful experience has more than likely been memorialized in your mind by a series of romantic regrets, unwanted wounds, and angsty teenage breakup songs.

While breakups cut deep, they’re sometimes necessary — and there’s a way to do it that doesn’t just minimize pain but maximizes life. Which has been God’s design for relationships all along. Because although the Bible doesn’t give us a detailed blueprint on how to break up with our significant other, it does give us plenty of detail on how to treat one another.

Keep reading as we work through three principles for how to break up and move on in a way that is in line with Scripture’s instruction on how to handle relationships as believers.

Speak Clearly So Questions are Answered

“Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.” (Ephesians 4:15)

As God’s people, we don’t deal in delusions, we deal in the truth, and that includes when we’re breaking up with someone.

What’s that mean? It means we live, and specifically we speak, in such a way that avoids confusion by pursuing clarity. Which is why “ghosting” is such a terrible tactic for ending a relationship. Ghosting – aka the act of falling off the face of the earth – doesn’t help people “get the hint,” it just helps people get hurt.

And I know I don’t need to convince you that ghosting is bad, we all get that, but I do still need to convince you to stop doing it. You might argue, “But I thought if I didn’t have anything nice to say I shouldn’t say anything at all?” Have you ever thanked someone for not telling you there’s a piece of food in your teeth or that your fly is open? I didn’t think so, because clarity is kindness, not silence.

However, clarity can’t come at the price of speaking the truth in love, and we need to make sure we are considerate in our delivery of a message. Love for one another necessitates that we say something, not everything.

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” (Colossians 4:6)

We should be considerate of what’s constructive in the breakup. I remember counseling a guy after he’d been broken up with, and as we processed everything that was shared in that conversation, you know what he remembered most? It was the fact she said, “I just wish you were taller.” There’s a lot I can say about that, but here’s the point: what you say in a breakup can be either constructive to build someone up, or destructive to tear someone down. If someone doesn’t have control over it, we don’t get to blame them for it.

To really break it down further, a good rule of thumb for the flow of this conversation is:

1. Affirm: Acknowledge them and your time together
2. Sever: Be clear about your decision and don’t use confusing language
3. Thank: Show your appreciation for the time you spent together

They don’t have to be a bad person to be a bad fit, and it’s our responsibility to make sure that’s really clear. Why? Because our God is not a God of confusion, but of peace, and we should strive for the same. He hasn’t left us wondering where we stand in relationship to Him, and in the same way we shouldn’t leave people wondering where they stand in relationship to us.

Act Kindly So Feelings Are Considered

“I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:1-3)

Everything we do, every decision we make, action we take, word we speak, and place we go is done with the wellbeing of someone else in mind. Which is why when it comes to breaking up, we need to carefully consider the who, what, when, where, and why of the breakup.

• Who: Who needs to be there? I’ll give you a hint: it’s at least going to be the two of you, and in the vast majority of relationships, that’s all that’s needed. But sometimes there are situations that require the input of others.
• What: What needs to be said? Make sure as you explain your reasoning, you use “I” not “you.” “I don’t think we’re a good fit” is kinder than “You’re a monster.” One is accountable, the other is accusatory.
• When: Choose a time that considers their day. Don’t drop news before a big presentation or important event.
• Where: Do it in person, ideally on their turf. It’s dignifying to look someone in the eyes and kind to let them process in a safe space.
• Why: Be clear for your sake more than theirs. If they push for details, it’s usually because they want to save the relationship. Know your “why” so you don’t lose sight of why you’re ending things.

We want to conduct ourselves in a way that is kind towards the other person, that considers their wellbeing, because Christ conducted himself in the same way for us.

Process Cleanly So Closure Is Achieved

“Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” (Romans 12:17-18)

Contrary to what the culture might tell you, the right response to a breakup isn’t revenge, it’s resolution. You see, romantic love releases a flood of feel-good brain chemicals – things like dopamine and oxytocin and serotonin – and the more affection you show, the intimate you are, and the more experiences you share with another person, the stronger that chemical cocktail becomes until you’re literally hooked on them.

When that person leaves, you go through withdrawals — your body starts looking for a new source or stimuli —which ultimately leads people to fall into things like alcohol, pornography, break-up sex, binging, masturbation, and codependency and so on and so forth. You want to move forward, but you’re only falling behind. Thankfully though, there’s a better path to take.

We seek peace. We get closure. We move on. King David does this after the death of his son in 2 Samuel. Before his child died, he fasted and wept because He wasn’t sure if God would save him. But after the child passed, David ate some food and wiped his tears. He processed the loss cleanly. And we should do the same.

So, what does that mean? Well surgeons don’t address a wound in a dirty and dramatic environment, do they? No, because that only leads to further infection. They address the wound in a clean, sterilized, and ordered space instead. And we should do so similarly when it comes to the wounds of the heart. We need to address them in the right way. So what does that look like? It looks like five things:

1. Take Time: There is no average life cycle for getting over someone, no secret solution to fixing your feelings, it just takes time. God heals all wounds, even heartbreak, in His own time — so stick close to Him and take the time you need. (Psalm 147:3)
2. Limit Contact: Limit contact, resist temptation, remove exposure. Do NOT contact them to see how they’re doing, because when you changed the nature of your relationship, you moved things out of the friend zone. You also cannot be the cause and the cure for their pain.
3. Gather Community. The saying is true that misery loves company, so you need to be careful that the company you keep close doesn’t stoke the flames of your unrequited love. Research shows if you process your pain immediately, you fare better in breakups than those who bottle it up. For the men reading this, we can be especially bad about this, so be intentional to keep other godly men in your circle. (Proverbs 12:15)
4. Embrace Reality. It’s common to hear people say things like, “But I just don’t have peace about the reason he gave me. I think I need to talk about it with him some more” Can I level with you? You can disagree with them and still have peace with them. Your lack of peace isn’t with his or her logic, it’s with your reality.
5. Resist the Rebound. Don’t confuse breaking up with being on a break. If you broke up with them, meaning you ended the relationship, then don’t go back and forth with them. Let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and ‘no’ be ‘no’. This is someone’s heart we’re talking about.

As Christians, our vision of moving on isn’t just a movement away from a painful past, but a movement toward a hopeful future. That’s what the Biblical idea of peace is — it’s not just the absence of conflict, but the presence of flourishing. So no matter if you’re doing the breaking up or you’re the one being broken up with, your hope isn’t dictated by the heartache behind, it’s dictated by God above.