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At my last job in Houston, I inherited what appeared to be a major crisis within the ministry. Not with declining attendance, sporadic giving, or shifting cultural values—but with dating. In a young singles ministry full of people walking with Jesus, plugged into community, and looking for a spouse, no one was dating.
So, I started asking questions. The women all said the same thing: “Guys just don’t ask us out.” The guys said, “Girls never say yes.”
Both wanted the other—but both blamed the other—and it left everyone stuck.
Dating today feels hard. And the truth is: it is. Nearly half of Americans say dating is more difficult now than it was ten years ago. From technology to shifting gender roles to a romantic culture shaped more by reality TV than reality—it’s no wonder we’re confused.
But it doesn’t have to be this hard.
Whether you’re dating now, hoping to be, or swearing it off entirely, here are eight biblical principles—the do’s and don’ts of dating—to help make the process simpler, more intentional, and, by God’s grace, more fruitful.
“Do not be anxious about anything and the peace of God will guard your hearts.” Philippians 4:6-7
Dating is anxiety-inducing. From first-date nerves to the “read but not replied” purgatory, we carry stress, fear, and uncertainty into every interaction. But when you place your trust in God, you don’t have to be undone by your relationship status.
Your happiness doesn’t rise and fall on the back of whether you’ve found love, because love in the person of Jesus has found you. This goes both ways — while being someone’s “everything” sounds like the making of a love story, you’ll soon realize it’s the beginning of a nightmare.
You want a relationship with someone who trusts in the Lord, who depends on God, who doesn’t need you to be their source of life, because they have a Source of life. You want someone that, when, not if, you’re in a fight, one of you loses a job, you come down sick, or a child goes astray, they’re not going anywhere. You want to find someone who is rooted in something greater than themselves. (Jeremiah 17:5-8)
“We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19
If you look at the landscape of dating today, a greater percentage of young men are single in comparison to women than at any other point in history. Why is that? The increasing prevalence of male passivity.
Let’s be fair: I’m not insinuating there is some intrinsic deficiency in men today than in men past—this has been our problem since Adam sat and watched his wife be tempted and initiate the fall of humanity.
So, while passivity isn’t particular to our generation alone, it is problematic, nonetheless. This sin is also not solely on the shoulders of men.
To the women reading this—you don’t need to wait for a man to start living your life. You don’t need to be married to move forward. And yet, so many of you are placing your life on hold or pausing your progress personally, because the fantasy of tomorrow is more riveting than the reality of today. Let me gently challenge you: fantasizing is a form of passivity. Don’t wait for a man to figure out your finances, purchase your own place, advance your career, lead in your church, or invest in other women. (Proverbs 31:16-17)
God is anything but passive. He loved us before the thought ever crossed our mind, He sent Jesus to die in our place when we didn’t deserve it, and He chose us before the world even existed. God has only ever moved with purpose and intentionality, so how can we reflect this characteristic of Christ in our dating life?
*“An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” Proverbs 24:26 *
Our generation is fluent in mixed signals: breadcrumbing, benching, cuffing, ghosting, zombie-ing, etc. Our dating is so confusing, you could create a whole new dictionary based on the words we had to come up with to describe our bad habits.
But God is not a God of confusion. If your dating is confusing, then your dating is inconsistent with God. Every word that emanates from His lips is truthful, clarifying, and understandable. Jesus himself was described like this:
“And they came and said to him, “Teacher, we know that you are true and do not care about anyone's opinion. For you are not swayed by appearances, but truly teach the way of God.” Mark 12:14
Jesus didn’t change what he said depending on the person. He was truthful, honest, and understandable—and our words should be too. Clarity is not only kindness, it’s what people desire most.
If you like someone, say it. If you don’t, be kind, honest, and don’t blame it on God. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don’t settle for quick fixes of attention from emotionally charged friendships with the opposite sex. Let your intentions be clear and in line with what Scripture says is beneficial.
“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you…” Isaiah 26:3
Drama might look good in rom-coms, but it makes for a terrible relationship. You don’t want crazy—you want consistent. You don’t want to ride a rollercoaster—you want someone who can walk with you through a storm.
Emotional stability is not a bonus—it’s a basic. You don’t want someone lost in their feelings; you want someone in tune with the Truth. “But Kylen, what about following your heart?” That is terrible advice — we don’t follow our heart because the heart is deceitfully wicked above all things.
Whatever is consistently true in their life will become consistently true in your life. So ask yourself: What do you see? You can give yourself (and them) a little grace— you can’t know if they’re someone is the one on the first date, and you likely won’t know in the first month.
That’s what dating is for — it’s a series of “yes’s” until an eventual “I do.” So, you date someone who is steady, because that’s the kind of person you can link arms with, pursue the things of God alongside, and run into forever with through better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. That’s the kind of person you want.
Dating isn’t meant to happen in the dark. You need community—people who love Jesus, know you, and aren’t blind to a person’s red flags because of rose-colored glasses. Isolation makes for poor evaluation. There’s a reason we say someone is “lost in their feels,” because when you’re crushing on someone, you see what you want to see, but friends see what you need to see.
You need community, and not just one that consists of good friends, but one that consists of godly guides. What do I mean by that? Friends make good company, but guides give good direction. You need people who won’t tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear—so what makes a good guide?
Godly guides are people who are wise, loving, and have walked with God longer than you. They’re the kind of people who should not only get a say, but a vote. Dating is hard when you do it alone, but you’re not supposed to.
“In humility, count others more significant than yourselves…” Philippians 2:3-4
This feels obvious, and you may be saying, “I know, I’m supposed to like nice guys,” but this is bigger than just a Hallmark husband your parents will be happy you brought home for the holidays. You see, the New Testament authors have given us more than 50 “one another” statements on how we’re supposed to treat each other.
Why? We’re not very good at being kind to one another. Kindness isn’t just about being “nice.” It’s about humility, patience, understanding, and a willingness to serve. You want someone who builds you up, not someone who tears you down with sarcasm, insecurity, or manipulation.
If they’re always negative, constantly comparing, or minimizing your worth, you need to reconsider. You don’t want someone who’s charming; you want someone who’s kind. You want someone who observably lives for the benefit of other people, because that kind of person has spent time around Jesus, who observably died for the benefit of us all.
“Flee from sexual immorality…” 1 Corinthians 6:18
Sexual compromise outside of God’s design is dangerous, and that’s because it’s powerful. You see, when you have sex with another person, physically or virtually, your brain releases dopamine, which activates the reward center of your brain, and oxytocin, AKA the “Love Hormone.”
The more frequently you flood your system with these two chemicals, the more attached you become to the source of their release, until you become addicted to that person. In the confines of marriage, that is a powerful bonding agent for good; that’s why it’s such a good gift from God for a husband and wife to enjoy!
But outside of marriage, that becomes a devastating source of pain, for when you break up, you not only lose a partner, you lose a part of yourself. You need boundaries. You need honesty. And you need to date someone who values purity as much as you do. Set boundaries early, honor them always, and revisit them frequently.
Wondering where to start as you consider helpful boundaries? Good rules of thumb are nothing in the dark, nothing below the chin, nothing horizontal, and nothing lasts longer than five seconds.
“Outdo one another in showing honor.” Romans 12:10
The strongest indicator of a toxic relationship? A lack of respect. Most, if not all, unhealthy relationships are formed under a failure to recognize the other person’s value.
Instead of being marked by a mutual admiration of the other, they become marked by a gradual manipulation of the other, using each other to get what each wants. Something important to remember: Until you’re married, they’re not yours. You don’t own their body, time, or future. You honor them. You protect them. You respect them as someone made in God’s image, not as someone there to meet your needs.
Dating is a season of assessment, not attachment. You should date with dignity. Some of the simplest ways you can do this are to honor their history, dignify their voice, and encourage their voice.
These aren’t just tips. They’re gospel-rooted truths. And they reflect the way Jesus has related to us:
If you want a relationship that lasts, then build it on the love of the One who’s already loved you perfectly. Dating doesn’t have to be this hard—when you follow the One who made your heart in the first place.