The Boundaries of Dating

In dating, there’s always room to debate whether someone went far enough—should they have brought you flowers, was it too soon to share about your past, does the guy buy every meal? But there is seldom debate when we’ve gone too far. Shame, regret, and guilt often mark those moments—moments that can physically, emotionally, and spiritually damage a relationship.

Maybe you started fooling around and found yourself further physically than you thought you’d be. Maybe you got emotionally entangled and codependent. Or maybe you crossed a sexual line you swore you wouldn’t. The reality is, “too far” is a feeling many of us know.

Society knows it too—hence the rise of “consent culture.” But according to Christine Emba, author and journalist for the Washington Post, consent is not enough. She writes:

“Making the standard of consent our sole criterion for good sex punts on the question of how to conduct a relationship that affirms our fundamental personhood and human dignity.”

We don’t like the feeling of going too far. We want physical pleasure without emotional pain—and the world offers consent to appease it, alcohol to avoid it. But what if instead of regretting going too far, we knew how far is too far?

The Goal of Purity

When people ask, “How far is too far?” they’re really saying: I don’t want to cross the line, but I want to get as close as possible. But if crossing the line means falling into destruction, why get near it? The goal of purity isn’t just avoiding “too far,” but seeing God as too good. That’s why boundaries matter.

Boundary: a line that guards against temptation for the sake of personal flourishing.

A fire can burn your house down or warm your home. The difference is boundaries. Without them, relationships burn. With them, they give life.

Paul writes in 1 Thessalonians 4 to a young church in a sexually charged culture. He gives them—and us—clear warnings. Let’s dive into some of the ways we can know as Christians what “too far” can look like in our relationships.

1. Your Christianity Looks Compromised

“...as you received from us how you ought to walk and to please God... do so more and more.” (1 Thessalonians 4:1-2)

You know you’ve gone too far when your behavior doesn’t match your beliefs. Often that happens because we’ve stopped listening to God and started listening to friends, media, or influencers instead.

It can look like:

• Physically Compromising: Moving in together “to see if it works” or testing “sexual compatibility.” Cohabiting doesn’t prove marriage readiness—it often predicts the opposite. God’s design is sex within marriage, explored and enjoyed as lifelong partners.

• Emotionally Compromising: Trying to “lead” your boyfriend or girlfriend like a spouse before marriage. Until you’re married, they belong to God, not you.

• Spiritually Compromising: Dating someone far from God, hoping they’ll “catch up” because of you. We’re called to marry godly people, not just “good” people.

If you must bend your Christian convictions to be with someone, you’ve gone too far.

2. Your Behavior Becomes Disrespectful

“...that you abstain from sexual immorality... control [your] own body in holiness and honor.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5)

Paul says God’s will is our sanctification—and he starts with abstaining from sexual immorality. That word “abstain” means flee. We don’t just avoid the line; we run from it.

Yet we flirt with sin instead of fleeing it—through porn, sexting, erotic media, or “harmless” physical situations. Even if you don’t go as far as you could, going further than you should is dangerous.

This also includes emotional disrespect—assuming the worst, playing mental games, or making unfounded accusations. Respect means trusting their words unless proven otherwise.

3. Your Partner Feels Violated

“...that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger...” (1 Thessalonians 4:6-7)

To transgress is to go where you don’t belong. To wrong is to take what isn’t yours. Both are violations—and they’re rampant in dating culture.

Four common signs:

1. Sexual Pressure – Guilt-tripping for more physical involvement, asking for explicit photos, or insisting on sleepovers “without doing anything.”
2. Verbal Demeaning – Belittling, comparing, or ridiculing attempts at romance.
3. Emotional Manipulation – Never taking responsibility, invalidating feelings, oversharing for validation instead of genuine connection.
4. Physical Control – Tracking, monitoring, or restricting freedom under the guise of “godliness.”

Boundaries are a litmus test for relationship quality. Someone who respects your “no” is someone worth trusting.

4. Your Conscience Grows Cold

“Whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.” (1 Thessalonians 4:8)

The most dangerous sign you’ve gone too far is when it stops bothering you. You’ve justified it so long—whether it’s sleeping together, watching porn, enduring cheating, or dressing for attention—that you’ve gone numb.

But numb doesn’t mean safe. It means you’re losing sensitivity to the Spirit. The good news? With Jesus, you’re never too far gone.

The Gospel for the Too Far

The gospel —the good news of Jesus living a perfect life, dying the death we deserved, and defeating sin and the grave so we can live in relationship with a perfect Father — is not reserved for those who have an “acceptable” amount of sin. Any sin at all separates us from an altogether holy and perfect God, but in His kindness He has made a way for us to be cleansed and clothed in His righteousness.

We see in Scripture:
- When we compromised our faith, Jesus never compromised for us.
- When we disrespected God, Jesus lived perfectly to fulfill the law.
- When sin violated us, Jesus defended us—dying for our sins.
- When our conscience grew cold, Jesus brought us to life.

If you feel you’ve gone too far, you haven’t—because Christ went further than anyone to save everyone, even the furthest away.