Why Am I Still Single?

All right, Porch. How are we doing tonight? Great to see you. If it's your first time, welcome in the room. We're really glad you're here. If you've been here before, welcome back. We never want to forget about you, and we never want to forget about everybody who is tuning in online. Would y'all do a great job of helping me say "hello" to everybody who is tuning in with us tonight? Special shout-out to all of our Porch.Live locations, particularly Porch.Live Springfield, Porch.Live Midland, and Porch.Live Boise.

When I was in college, I was convinced that I wanted to be an accounting major, not because I loved a really good balance sheet but because it was what everybody was doing. You see, in the school I went to, we had a program where, over the course of five years, you could pick up not only your bachelor's degree but also your master's degree, which in my mind's eye seemed a really great play to run, because, for me, it meant I got to add a few more letters to my résumé, and I also got to spend another year with the boys.

So, I decided, "You know what? This is what I'm going to do. I don't necessarily need to consider anything else." I didn't think about "What are my natural aptitudes?" I didn't process, "What are my career ambitions?" or "What does the coursework actually look like? What other degree tracks are there?" I just blindly signed up and began to pursue the curriculum that was set for me.

So, I went through my freshman year. I went through my sophomore year. I got through my junior year, and then the inconceivable happened. I didn't get into the program, which was devastating to me because I had been planning on this. I had been hoping with all of my future in mind that this is what I was going to get to do. In a moment, all of my hopes and dreams and ambitions were dashed on the rocks of "assets equal liabilities plus stockholders' equity."

I'd been counting on this (no pun intended). In a moment, it felt like all of my peers were racing forward, yet I was stuck behind. So, facing what felt like an existential crisis that was way too early in my young life, I went and met with a school counselor. As I sat with him, he said something that has stuck with me ever since.

He said, "Kylen, don't worry. The conversation we're having, everybody is having. We're just having this conversation out loud." Then he proceeded to help me consider the things I hadn't considered. He helped me realize, "Hey, man, you kind of suck at math. You don't really love accounting, and you have no business, as a result, ever balancing anybody's books."

Why do I tell you that? Because tonight, I want to have a conversation with you out loud that everybody…many young adults across the nation and many in this room as well…is processing, but they're processing in silence. I want to talk to you about a question that many people ask themselves within their young adult years. I want to process with you, "Why am I still single?" Not me…some of you. I want to help you consider, "What is it that has put me in this situation?"

You're facing what I felt in a similar way, but probably so much greater. You're dealing with an existential crisis. You look at your life, and you're like, "This isn't what I planned. I'm not supposed to still be here. Everyone else is racing forward, yet I am stuck someplace I never thought I would be. God, I don't understand why you're complicating my life. I'm a good person. That's a good thing to want. Why can't I have it?"

So, I want to help you understand a few practicals for why this may be a season you're stuck in that you don't want to be a part of. Before we talk about the practicals, we need to talk about the fundamentals. You need to understand, namely, that singleness is not a second-rate state of being. Several weeks ago, I preached here at Watermark through the idea of why singleness is worth embracing. I'd encourage you to go listen to it, because it's going to help unpack the fundamental goodness of singleness.

Just to catch you up really briefly, what you need to know is that in our culture, both within our church and in our world, we have a tendency to look at singleness and think it is inferior in comparison to marriage, that it's JV in comparison to the marrieds' varsity, that it's a second class sort of state, that it's the sort of situation where all of the marrieds are flying first class while all of the singles are sitting in coach. That's not what we understand from the Scripture. In 1 Corinthians, chapter 7, which is where we're going to be over the course of the evening (as well as a variety of different passages), Paul says this in verses 6-9:

"Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

Some of you only heard that last line because you squarely identify yourself within the "burning with passion" category. "That's me, man. That's how I feel right now. I don't need anything else you're going to say tonight." Before you write me off or tune me out, just track with me, because here's the reality. So many people were single at one time. So many people are single in this moment, but the truth is everybody will be single again at some point in the future.

So, it's helpful for us to understand the reasons for it. What's the purpose behind it? What we see is that Paul gives us two reasons for why God ordains the goodness of singleness. First, he tells us singleness is desirable. He says, "I wish that all…" Meaning all. "…were as I myself am." "Well, Paul, how are you?" He's talking about his singleness in this moment. Paul was a single, celibate, childless man.

He's saying, "I wish that all people were like me." You can read back through more of 1 Corinthians 7 and see why that is. Particularly, it's because he could consume himself with the things of God. He could focus himself fully on that which mattered most in life, which is important for us to know, because as Paul says, "This is worthy of desiring," it is in stark contrast to so much of what our world, culture, and even the church would say.

If you look out there, often people are saying, "Hey, in order to live a fulfilling human experience, you need to be married, have sex, and probably should have a couple of kiddos." Paul is saying you don't need those things. To actually emphasize the point further… Yes, Paul was single, but so was Jesus.

If you're in the room, and you say, "I'm a Christian; I follow that man named Christ," then you need to understand you follow a single man, a man who was fully single yet was fully human. Meaning, he didn't need to be married, he didn't need to have sex, and he didn't need to have biological children to have the fulfilling experience that the rest of the world is saying you must have. Singleness is desirable.

He also goes on and says, secondly, singleness is purposeful. That's what he means when he says it's a gift, which I know, for many of you, didn't necessarily make your wish list. You kind of opened this thing up and were like, "Thank you, God?" It's not necessarily the gift you were hoping to get. Before you look for the receipt, let me help you understand why it's a good thing.

He tells us later on in verse 35, "I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order…" Meaning, "Hey, I want you to learn how to live." "…and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord." "I want you to love God before you love anybody else." You see, Paul says this thing is good. It's a gift.

So, why do we need to know all this? Because, fundamentally, before we even step into the rest of the talk, at the outset, we have to grasp a new perspective. We have to reframe our attitude around this subject, which so many of us are ready to punt on and push aside. We have to understand singleness is not a season to endure; it is a season to embrace.

That's what Paul is describing. That's what the Word of God is telling us here. He's saying it's good. The reason we have to know this at the outset before we talk about anything else… Don't worry. I'm going to help you see some reasons for why you may still be single if you don't want to be, but what you have to understand is that this takes all the anxiety out of the assessment. As we look at a variety of reasons, it helps you to realize, "I'm not stuck in some inferior state of being. No, I'm in a state that God would say is good."

It's kind of like if you walked into a performance review but had already received the company MVP award. How would you feel? You would walk in, and you'd be like, "Okay. I'm excited to learn some things. I'm sure I'm going to get some helpful feedback. I'm probably going to grow a little bit, but I'm not stressed about this. I'm not worried. In fact, I'm wanting to learn because I already have something. I've received something that signifies favor."

That's what Paul wants you to know. You have something that is good. But let me be very clear. As I say that, some of you think, "This thing doesn't feel good. If someone tells me that singleness is a gift one more time…" I understand that that can feel like a trite Christian cliche. It's from the Bible, so let's not jettison it with the rest of our hard feelings toward this subject. Let's try to understand why it is good.

As we get into this, you need to know… Yes, singleness is good, but that doesn't diminish the fact that it's also hard. It's hard. I don't want you to hear me say, as we go through this, that you should feel a diminishing of your longing for marriage, that this belittles the heartache you feel or the hurt you have. In no way does this look at the sadness you face in your singleness and make it synonymous to sin. That's not what we're talking about here.

What we do have to understand is that God has no problem asking people to wait. All throughout the Scripture, he never has an issue looking at his people and saying, "Hey, I know you have a longing, but I want you to wait for its fulfillment." Admittedly, the Bible doesn't particularly say a lot with respect to the question, "Why am I still single?" but it does have a lot to say about why we wait for what we want.

In the beginning of the Scripture, you see a man by the name of Abraham, who waited 25 years for that which he wanted, the son of promise, his son Isaac. You move over from that, and you get to Joseph. Joseph waited 13 years to be freed from prison. You move from there, and Moses waited 40 years in the wilderness before going to the Promised Land. David, right after then, waited about 15 years from being anointed to become king before he finally took the throne.

Jesus waited 30 years before he began his public ministry. To top that off, even the guy who is writing to us understands this well, because Paul waited 14 years before he began his first missionary journey, despite being commissioned so early on. You see, God has no problem asking us to wait for what we want. It begs the question…Why does he make us wait? What reasons does he have to give? For those of you who are wanting for more than singleness, what possible explanation does he have?

1. You're not ready. Some of you hear that and think, "No, man. I'm pretty ready. Have you seen my Pinterest board? That thing was done years ago. Colors for my wedding? They're picked out. The boys and I have already planned the bachelor party, and none of us are even in a relationship. I'm pretty sure we're ready for this." I'm not belittling that that's true, yet you have to understand that you're not alone in the sentiment. When you read through the Scripture, you find that the people of God felt the exact same way.

You see, the nation of Israel, after they're delivered out of Egypt from slavery, have their eyes set on that which was promised to them from their ancestral heritage. They're looking toward the Promised Land. As they step out of Egypt, they're waiting to go to that place where they have longed to be. Yet, what we read in Exodus 13 is God doesn't take them immediately there.

It says in Exodus 13:17, "When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, 'If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.' So God led the people around by the desert road toward the Red Sea."

You see, rather than lead the Israelites to that place where they longed to be, in the direction of north, which would have been fastest, God leads them south in the direction that was farthest. What?! Why would God do that? That feels crazy. Some of you agree. You're like, "That's exactly how I feel. I feel like I've been trying to get this direction, and God just keeps moving me on a different path."

What you have to understand is God is looking at the road they would have to take, and he's saying, "You guys are not ready for this thing. The road that leads north, the quickest route to your happiness, takes you through Philistine country." The Philistines were a militarized group of people. The road itself was called the Via Maris. It was a fortified roadway that was set up for ambush.

God is saying, "Hey, if you take this road, you're walking into a buzz saw. You are not ready for this. You have been abused and beaten and enslaved for 400 years. You're doing well just to keep your sandals on your feet. You're not ready to face these guys." So he takes them south. In his kindness, he takes them a different direction. Do you think they grumbled along the way? We know they did. They grumbled against him the entire time. Yet, in God's kindness, he led them a different direction for their good.

You see, the fastest route to your happiness is not always the wisest route. So many people rush into marriage because they want to feel loved, they want to have sex, and they want to have a bunch of babies, which are all really good things, yet, because they rush into it, they bring with them unresolved problems and unnecessary pain.

It's interesting. When you look at the primary causes of divorce in the United States, reasons like lack of commitment, infidelity, and arguing (aka selfishness, lust, and pride) are the primary perpetrators. Do you think those things just magically materialized at the altar? Like, the minute they said "I do" and those wedding bells rang, it was like, "Oh my gosh! I hate your guts." No, that's not where it happened. As two people, one bride and one groom, walked down the aisle toward that altar, those preexisting issues came with them.

Now, let me be abundantly clear. I am not telling you that you need to be perfect before you enter into marriage, but I am saying you need to be prepared. Contrary to what people often think, marriage does not minimize your problems; it magnifies your problems. Having sex in marriage is not going to solve your lust issue. If you won't while you're dating, what makes you think you will when you're married? It's hard to honor the commitment "I do" when you never did, so it's worth working that out now.

Ladies and gentlemen, listen to me. You need to evaluate how your partner speaks to you. Guys, if she is always making a big thing out of a little thing or if she's constantly comparing your shortcomings to her best friend's husband's strengths, you don't want to saddle up "till death do you part" with that. That's a hard way of life. Ladies, if he's wrestling with pornography now, you're not going to solve that. You're not going to fix it. The day you go on your honeymoon won't resolve the issue. It might slow the problem. It might not progress as quickly at first, but it will eventually return.

Marriage does not minimize your problems; it magnifies them. So, it's really worth asking yourself, given the fact that if you don't deal with it today, others will have to deal with it tomorrow…Where are you struggling with sexual sin right now? Knowing that infidelity is one of the primary causes of divorce, it begs the question…Where are you sexually struggling today?

Where are you making an allowance for it? Is it in the shows you watch? "Oh, but, Kylen, I skip the nude scenes." Is it in the books you read? "But I didn't know that was in there." Is it the thirst trap you follow? "No comment." Is it the reels you watch? "Listen, man. I can't help that the algorithm puts that in front of me." You might be making an allowance for it if you're coming up with excuses like that.

Where's selfishness in your life? When things get really hard, when things get really tough, what do you do? Do you stay committed? Do you lean in or do you opt out? Do you choose to cope in some other kind of way? Do you find yourself getting sketchy as opposed to sticking to your word? Are you reliable or are you unreliable? Selfish people think of themselves. That's why it's called selfishness.

How about pride? Where's pride in your life? What does it look like for people to have conversation with you? Are you always the first one to speak up and the last one to listen? Are you the strongest voice in the room? Are you the kind of person that whenever conflict arises, your instinctual response is defensiveness? Do people fold like a lawn chair whenever conflict gets up because they're like, "Man, it is not worth it with you"? That could lead to anger.

It's good for you to evaluate, "Where, God, do I need to grow? I want to deal with this now so that they don't have to deal with it then." You see, perhaps your season of singleness isn't as miserable as it is merciful of God to give you a chance to work it out. Have you ever thought about that? It is his mercy that leaves you where you are so you can work out the kinks, you can figure out the difference.

One of my favorite Scriptures is Psalm 51:8. David, on the heels of his very worst moment, says, "God, let the bones you have broken rejoice." "It's good, God, that you break me; that way, I can become more like you." This is what God may be trying to do in your life. Now, let me be really fair. Everything we processed here is a moral issue, but not every reason you may not be ready is necessarily moral. Sometimes it's situational.

Sometimes the situation may simply say, "You're not ready for it right now. It's not a good idea." If you don't have a job, you're not ready to date. You're certainly not ready for marriage. That's not a shame-filled comment. I'm not criticizing anybody's situation, but what you have to understand is if dating leads to marriage, then ultimately, you're going to have to provide for someone else, so you probably should figure out what a check looks like before you jump into a relationship.

Or maybe you're moving cities. You picked up a new job, and you're going to be leaving town. It's not a good idea to jump into a relationship now, knowing that that relationship is going to (not inevitably, but very quickly) end. If your station is urgently expiring, then don't get into a relationship with someone. Don't emotionally entangle when it is unnecessary.

Sometimes it's not moral or situational; it's personal. Some of you are coming off a breakup, so what's good is for you to close the book on that chapter before you open up the book on the next and start writing a new story. Others of you are processing some pain from someone who hurt you in the past, so you should focus on that and find healing rather than divide your attention and make yourself vulnerable too soon. I don't know what it may be for you, but it's worth investigating.

Does this mean you're never going to be ready? "Kylen, that standard feels ridiculous. I don't know that I'm ever going to amount to what I need to become so God will give me what I want." No. You will be ready. In God's timing, it will happen. The nation of Israel does eventually go to the Promised Land. They finally journey north, and they not only kick the Philistines, but they conquer the entire territory.

You see, God led them to a place where they could become prepared. Their frailty yesterday was replaced by formidability tomorrow because they walked in the wilderness with God. Your season of singleness might be a wilderness. It might be the desert to your soul, yet God is going to use it to strengthen you, to build you up, so he can lead you forth in his timing according to his will. He doesn't owe it to you, but he's gracious to his people.

2. You're waiting for the "one." You want love like Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy, like Jim and Pam, like Han Solo and Princess Leia, like Troy and Gabriella, like Neo and Trinity, like Shrek and Fiona. You want to find your soulmate.

I wasn't sure how relevant this actually was for our current society. It felt like a thing of the past. So I did a little bit of research. What I found is that YouGov found, of American adults, 60 percent agreed to believing that soulmates still exist, that "There's someone who will complete me," which is a really nice idea. I could get behind that if not for the fact that it's wrong.

The reason we know it's wrong is because God speaks about the purpose of marriage all throughout his Scripture, and as he does, he tells us, "Hey, the purpose of marriage isn't to satisfy your every longing through another person." That's not what it exists for. In the book of Ephesians, through the author Paul, he tells us the most exalted view of marriage, and he gives us a twofold functionality for why it exists. I would encourage you to read all of Ephesians 5.

Just to catch us up with a couple of verses, it says, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." Meaning, there's an inward orientation. "This mystery is profound…" That mystery spoken of in Genesis 2 echoes here into the present. Paul tells us the explanation, that it refers to Christ and the church, which is an outward orientation.

What's Paul saying? What's that twofold functionality? First, marriage is a model. It is an example, a representation to the watching world and to you and your spouse of what it looks like to love one another as Christ loves the church. Also, marriage is a mission in that the mission of your marriage isn't just to stare longingly into each other's eyes but to link arms and to run forward into the cause of Christ.

For he left his Father and came in search of us to redeem us, to bring us back to himself by way of living the perfect life, dying the perfect death, and rising forth from the grave, that we might have faith in him should we place our trust and live with him forevermore. This is an incredibly profound perspective that the Bible gives on the topic of marriage, and it is wildly different than what the rest of the world is trying to tell you.

According to the soulmate myth, marriage does not exist so you can serve someone else or so you can serve the rest of the world. That's strange. No, the soulmate myth would say, "Marriage exists for someone to serve me. I want someone to step into my life and fill the emotional vacancies deep within, to assuage all of my romantic restlessness."

While some of you hear that and think to yourself, "That is ridiculous, Kylen. I'm not a part of that 60 percent. I don't believe this is true," you are nonetheless trained to hunt for the perfect person. It's not your fault. We live in a culture today where relation shopping is at an all-time high. You can swipe through an endless pool of potential suitors, you can refine specific romantic search criteria, and you can filter your way to a preferred combination of specific attributes.

Whatever your romantic shopping list, you can build it out, and you can search the world for those perfect ingredients. That's why, ladies, you want him to be 6'2", hypermasculine but also hypersensitive. You want him to be emotionally intelligent but also the life of the party, capable of raising wonderful kids but also capable of reading your mind, because you're just tired of having to drop hints so that he might know what you actually want.

Let me help you understand. That doesn't exist. That man is nowhere to be found. He is not in this room. He is not in that room. He's not in any room ever. He didn't go to the coffee shop because he knew you'd be there. He didn't post that thing on Instagram because he knew you'd be looking. He doesn't have a girl brain; he has man brain. Man brain, simple. Woman brain, sophisticated. Just know that that's what you're crossing paths with.

Gentlemen, so many of you are looking for a girl who likes her steak medium rare, not medium well; is always down to hit balls at the range; and never gives you grief if you want to go play a little twilight round at the end of the day. She loves hanging with the boys and would rather watch the game tonight than talk about that fight she's having with her friends.

What you want to find is, basically, your friend Rick. That's what you're trying to look for. The guy who's sitting to your left or to your right is the guy you kind of want to put a band on and say, "Hey, man, let's journey through the rest of life together." But praise God, that's not God's design, because what you need, brother, is help. That's what we all need. God says so at the beginning, so we know we have to find someone different than ourselves.

You see, we live in a culture that is wracked with unrealistic expectations and overemphasis on physical appearance, a deep sense of decision fatigue, and this fear of missing out, all because you're searching for the "one" or trying to be the one someone is searching for. Hear me. What if, instead of entrusting yourself to some romantic shopping list or algorithm online, you entrusted yourself to God?

While there is no perfect match in a world filled with imperfect people, there is a perfect God who can satisfy you instead. The Scriptures are loaded with this. The book of Psalms tells us in Psalm 90:14, "Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love…" "Your love, O God. I don't want the love of anyone else. Your love will satisfy me." "…that we may rejoice and be glad all our days."

Psalm 63:5: "My soul…" You want a soulmate? "…will be satisfied [in the Lord] as with fat and rich food…" Psalm 107:9: "For he satisfies the longing soul…" Are you longing for love? He's the one who satisfies it. "…and the hungry soul he fills with good things." Psalm 65:4: "Blessed is the one you choose and bring near, to dwell in your courts!" "To be in your house, to make your life alongside." "We shall be satisfied with the goodness of your house, the holiness of your temple!"

You do not have to wait to find someone to satisfy every longing of your soul, because the only one who can has already found you. Jesus, the satisfier of your soul, has sought you out; therefore, you need not seek anyone else out. I'm not saying you shouldn't. I'm not saying marriage is bad, but I am saying if you load the pressure and expectation of someone solving all of the deep complexities and intricacies of who you are, that will never happen. Christ and Christ alone can do that.

Let me be clear. I am not telling you to stop looking. As I say this, I'm not saying, "Well, just fold your arms, cross your legs, and tap your toe." That's not what I'm processing with you here. What you have to understand is that while you shouldn't look for the one, you also need to look for someone, because the goal of your singleness is not to find the one who can satisfy you; it is to find someone who can glorify him. That's what you're looking for.

Now, some of you are deeply content in your singleness. You might be called to it for a lifetime, and that's a really good thing. For others of you who are wanting for this, that's what you're looking for. Which begs the question…What do they look like? Well, let me tell you in the weeks to come. You'll have to come back, because I'm going to make sure you learn all of the details of what you need to be looking for. But I'll give you a teaser.

That person should love Christ more than they love you. That person should not be so concerned with grabbing hold of some guy or grabbing hold of some girl but, instead, grabbing hold of him, because in their mind's eye, he is theirs before anyone else is. You want someone like that, who sees the things of God and says, "I'm going for it. I'm racing for it. If you want to come with me, then let's do it, because this is a journey worth going on. This is a cause worth giving our lives for. This is a purpose that transcends any other purpose in this world. But I'm going after him; I'm not coming after you." That's what you're looking for: someone whose allegiance is to Jesus.

3. Fear of commitment. It's interesting. When I was researching for this series, I was trying to catch up on the landscape of love, which evolves. Every couple of years, the romantic realm of our world just grows. It adapts. It adds to itself. So, what I knew was that in our culture, there's a large word bank of alternate relationship structures to help us define what's actually going on here.

Yet, as I did the research, I realized I did not know nearly as much as I thought I would, because what I found was a variety of terms that you and I may already know, things like situationships and open relationships and friends with benefits…all that kind of stuff. But I also learned terms like polycules and hierarchical polyamory, and I learned about sex interviews and serial monogamy.

I don't expect you to be familiar with all the varying fluid forms of relationship status, but what I do want us to know is they all exist for the same singular reason: people fear commitment. That's what they are. That's why they exist. They exist because they're trying to help you enjoy the benefits of a relationship without bearing any of the responsibilities of caring for another person. Paul knows we fear this, so much so that in 1 Corinthians 7, he addresses the topic. Right after verse 35, where he defines the purpose for it, he says this in verses 36-37:

"If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well."

What's Paul saying? If you want to be together…you can't stop talking, you can't stop texting, you can't stop thinking, you can't stop touching…then be together. Get married. That's what he's saying. He's like, "Hey, you don't necessarily need to do this in a sinful way, where we're going to make an accommodation for all of our unbridled passion, but you need to process that stuff out. You need to bring community into it. Then, once it feels like it has been redeemed, you need to take a step, make a decision, and get married."

If you want to be single…you just love this stage of life; God is really teaching you something right now, and there are some things you're trying to work out…then be single. That's okay. His point is "Make a decision. Commit one way or the other." That's what he means when he says, "Be firmly established." That word in Greek is the derivative of a word that means to sit.

So, Paul is saying, "Be firmly established. Hey, why don't you settle down. Get sedentary." He wants you to adopt this picture of sitting and staying a while with whatever decision you decide. Don't keep moving about with this anxious energy, like, "I think I want to be single, but I think I want to be dating. I kind of want to live in both worlds." Don't do that.

So many singles in our world do this. I did this. This is a common practice. Instead of making a decision and sitting where we say, instead we flirt. You text her late at night, that hour when, really, it's not appropriate for you to, but it's going to get her mind going. You stop by his desk just to say "hi" and chat. You know you look good today, and he needs to know it too.

You make an effort in a public place where both of you are present to seek her out, even though it's inconvenient, maybe someplace like The Porch. You "like" his Insta story. You share something on direct message. You go out of your way to express interest. "But I would never, ever enter into a relationship with that person. That would ruin the friendship. I don't necessarily want anything serious. I'm just trying to have a little bit of fun right now."

So many of us are not firmly established because we flirt. Others of us are not firmly established because we date casually. I'm not trying to load a bunch of pressure on dating, but what I do want to say is if you're dating for the simple sake of fun, you might need to slow down, because often what happens when we're in that pursuit is we build emotional bonds with people.

We bend some physical boundaries. It feels good to be wanted. We break spiritual rules, like, "Listen, man. I know I'm not supposed to date a nonbeliever, but it's nothing serious. We're just having fun. He's a nice guy, super moral. He might believe one day." What happens is you express that you're not firmly established.

Others are delaying their proposal. You've been dating for more than two years, so she starts to wonder, "I wonder, what is this? Is this thing going to go the distance? We made it two years. This thing looks really awesome." Then that slips into three years, so she's kind of confused. Her family is peppering her with questions, yet she's committed. "You know, it's awesome. It has been three years, a little longer than I thought, but we're going to make it."

Then it slips into four years, and now she's frustrated, but she's deeply invested in this thing. "I'm aging. It has been four years. I think you are who I think you are, but this doesn't seem to make sense." Then it bleeds into five years, and what you find is that she's emotionally exhausted, waiting around for you to pop the question and bend the knee.

She is seeing that the market is currently flooded with new dating prospects, and she doesn't have the stamina to get back out there, so she waits around for your sorry butt. I want to be really clear. This is a very cruel thing to do to someone, to string them along with the promise of forever but never the intent of actually delivering. Don't do that. That's a cruel thing to do. It's not firmly established.

Last is the eternal engagement. You did put a ring on it, but "We've moved in together, and we're splitting the bills. We share the same groceries. We love to cook dinner, and we're already having sex. You know what? The formality of a big wedding, that crazy event… I don't know that I necessarily want to invest in that." So you push and push and push. You're not firmly established.

Now, let me be really clear. I am not saying in any way that commitment is easy. Take it from somebody who loved his single years and all the option value it brought. Commitment is hard, and some of you have very legitimate reasons for why commitment is hard. You never grew up in a home where you saw a healthy, loving, committed relationship. You were involved with someone, and they took advantage of you. They took something from you that was not theirs to have.

Or you've put yourself out there. You've heard sermons like this about walking across the room, so you've done the effort, you've made the move, yet you've been rejected, you've been ghosted, you've been belittled, so you just don't have what it takes any longer to keep putting yourself out there. I don't know what it is for you, but here's what you need to know: you will never heal from it if you only hide from it. You have to be willing to pull that out if you want to actually reengage commitment.

The good news is, despite whatever hurt you have or whatever it is you're ashamed of or embarrassed about, Jesus was committed to you anyway. He looked at the worst of you, that which you did, that which you will do, that which was done, and that which will be done, and he said, "I'm in for this. I'm committed to you. So much so that I will walk the road you cannot walk. I will live the life you cannot live. I will die the death that you deserve.

I will take my life back up in my own hand, and I will rise forth from the grave, that if anyone wants to place their faith in me, they can be with me forever. That's how committed I am to you. You want to know the depth of my commitment? Look to Calvary, because it declares, in my mind's eye, I am committed to this. Not just today, not just tomorrow, not just for this life; I am committed to you, to us, forever." That's what Jesus has done. If you learn a commitment like his, then you can overcome whatever hardship you have.

Now, let me be quick to finish here. Some of you are sitting in this room, and you're thinking, "Kylen, I agree, but none of this is true for me. And that's not a prideful comment. I am ready. I know God is still teaching me things, but God is teaching everybody something. I walk with him daily. I read his Word regularly. I make sure to pray, not because I have to get my prayers in, but because I love to talk and process with the Lord. I'm ready."

Or you're sitting here and thinking to yourself, "I'm not in search of the 'one.' I've already found him. I've found the one. I know there's only one worthy of seeking, and his name is Jesus." You're thinking to yourself, "I'm not afraid of commitment; I just have no one to commit to. What other possible reason does God have for me? Why would he leave me in this spot? If he's so good, if this is desirable, if it is purposeful, then why?"

4. It's just not time. That's the fourth reason, and it is probably the hardest one to receive. In the book of Lamentations, which is a book of mourning (it's actually five funeral poems), right at the center of it is a Scripture for you. It says in Lamentations 3, starting in verse 24, "'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth."

Twice in that passage it says it is good to wait for the Lord, which is surprising because it feels pretty bad, doesn't it? Our world is obsessed with convenience. No one is still riding horseback from one place to the next, because it's not nearly as efficient as a motor vehicle. No one likes to wait five to seven business days to get anything on their doorstep, because you can just Prime it and have it here in less than two days instead.

We know convenience is not something we opt for. Why, then, is waiting good? Because nothing worth having comes without waiting. Nothing. If you think about it, you don't develop photos in the sunlight; you take them into a dark room. If you pull them out of that dark room and expose them to light too soon, what happens to the photos? They're ruined. If you're patient, wait, give time, and let those photos develop in the dark, when they're ready, you pull them forth, and what you find is something beautiful in the end.

God has left some of you, for this reason alone, in a season of singleness, which equates to a darkroom experience, because he is trying to make something beautiful of you that he may not make in any other way. He's developing you. He's preparing you, not just for marriage but for himself. He's making of you not just a wife, not just a husband, but one who looks like Christ.

We do not get the promise that we will be married, but what we do get is the promise of a wedding that is to come, one where we're united not to some random groom but to the perfect groom whose name is Jesus. We see in him a groom who was always ready and never needed to get himself right but was ready and willing to pursue us when we were unwilling to be pursued.

We see in him the only perfect one who has always been waiting for us, and we see in Christ someone who never second-guessed his commitment but said, "I am willing to express my commitment in the grandest of ways. I will live my life perfectly because you cannot in your sin. I'm going to die, but not because I'm worthy; you are instead. Because I lay down my life and take it up by my own accord, I will rise forth from the grave, that any who believe in me will have everlasting life. Not just heaven to come, but heaven right now, because you get me."

What we see in Jesus is that he had to wait. He waited. "For at the right time he died for the ungodly." He died for you and me. If you're ready to find love, you need wait no longer, friend, for love has found you. Let me pray for you.

God, thank you for tonight. Every moment over the course of a Tuesday is yours, but, God, this next moment I pray you'd use. I pray you'd work within the hearts of the people here, that you would stir within their souls to believe. I ask that people who may have come here because they want to learn some tips and tricks on dating would actually learn something so much better, so much richer, so much fuller instead, that you love them, and in you they not only find all they need but they find all they want. God, we worship you now. It is in your name we pray, amen.