Is Dating Supposed to be This Hard? Pt.1

All right, Porch. How are we doing tonight? Are you doing okay? It's great to see you. If you've been here before, welcome back. If you are new to the room, let me be, hopefully not the first, but one among many who says, "We're so glad you're here with us." Everyone who is in Dallas, it's amazing to be with you, but it is also amazing to be with everybody who is tuning in online.

We don't take it for granted that young adults all over the nation choose to give up part of their evening here with us on Tuesdays. So, thank you, all of you who are listening in on this series and what God is doing. We pray it is a blessing to you. Special shout-out to all of our Porch.Live locations, particularly Porch.Live Dayton, Fort Worth, and Wheaton. So glad to be with you.

We're talking about dating, people, and tonight is the third week, but before we get into it, let me lead off with a story that I think will set us up well. In my last job, when I lived in Houston before I came here to Dallas, I worked in a young singles ministry. What I didn't know when I took the job was that I had inherited a major crisis within the organization.

It's not what you likely think. It wasn't that we had a declining attendance or a lack of giving from our members. It's not even that I had personnel issues or we were short-staffed in volunteers. We weren't even facing cultural challenges. No, no, no. It was something altogether different. You see, the major crisis I inherited was that no one was dating, which is a big deal when you consider the fact that I was working in a young singles ministry.

This was a place where people were walking with Jesus and trying to connect into community, and they were principally looking for a spouse. So, it begged the question in my mind, "Why is it that all of you are in the picture-perfect place to find a romantic suitor, yet none of you seem to be doing that? What is the problem? Why is nobody dating?"

Unable just to allow the question to be rhetorical in my mind, I started asking around. What I found was that, surprisingly, the answers were the same, depending on which group you visited with. So, I would ask the ladies, "Hey, why is nobody dating?" and they would always respond with the same thing.

They would always say, "Well, guys just aren't asking us out. It doesn't matter if I do my hair or if I get my Sunday best on or if I choose to share my Bible with him or I even visit with his friends and try to make nice with the boys or I stamp 'interested' on my forehead. He just can't seem to catch the hint."

The guys would always respond, "Well, the girls never say yes. It doesn't matter if I confirm that she's single and ready to mingle. It doesn't even matter if I plan what I'm going to say and where I'm going to say it, if I talk to her friends and make sure, 'Hey, y'all agree? Is this a good idea?' or if I actually go to the trouble of putting on my Sunday best and making sure my hygiene is in check. It doesn't seem to work. Anytime I ask a girl out, it is less remotely romantic and, instead, it is more like an extreme sport for my self-esteem."

Both admitted to wanting the other, but both accused each other for why that wasn't happening, which felt crazy to me, because they were all saying the same thing. "I want you, yet it's your fault that we can't be together." That's what they were all communicating. It felt like a really bad soap opera in its twentieth season in the sense that it just needed to end.

Dating didn't need to be this hard. At least according to my estimation, it didn't feel like it needed to be. Yet, as I started preparing for this message and reading the research, what I learned is most people think it is. According to Pew Research, almost half of Americans say dating is harder today than it was 10 years ago.

I don't know about you, but when I hear something like that, it raises the question in my mind…What took place over the course of the last decade that has made the dating dynamic so much more difficult? Well, there's a lot we could say on that, but when it comes to the realm of romance, there is one primary perpetrator we need to identify. It's technology.

Whether it's the fear of being unintentionally catfished… And I mean that…unintentionally. Like, you saw their profile on Hinge, and then they showed up to the date, and you're like, "Wait. That photo was, like, 5 to 10 years older than you. You don't look like that any longer." Or it's the pain of trying to decipher, "Does he like me or doesn't he like me? He continues to 'like' the things I'm posting online."

Or it's the trouble and frustration of "Man, my job requires me to travel, so I work remotely. I'm on the road a lot, yet as I do that, I feel disconnected from other people, particularly those I might be romantically interested in." I don't know where it is, but what I need you to hear is the same technology that has infiltrated your regular life has infiltrated your romantic life. The result is it has made your romantic life hard.

You see, the dating dynamic today can feel, for lack of a better word, discouraging. It is disheartening to go into a series of first dates and feel like you give so much effort yet walk away from all of them and feel like you got nothing out of them instead. It can be deeply confusing to process "How did she become so attached when we've only ever had, like, one conversation with one another?" It can also be equally infuriating to see that he's more invested in his intramural softball team than he is in you.

I get it, but what you need to understand is we're all left asking the same question…Is dating supposed to be this hard? That's where we're going tonight because…cards on the table…I don't think it has to be, nor should it be. We often make dating so much harder than necessary, and the reason is we just don't know what we're doing. Can we admit that to one another, that we might not actually be as familiar with the landscape of love as we claim to be?

It's funny. I was preparing for this message and reading through some articles, and I came across one that was titled "A Guy's Guide to Asking Girls Out." Now, normally, that doesn't appeal to me as a credible source for a talk like this, yet I was struck by two things I found very funny. First, the title insinuated to me that not only do men need instructions for building that desk at home; they need instructions for building a good opening line when it comes to engaging with the opposite sex.

The second thing that was very interesting to me was it claimed a 95 percent success rate. It said, "Hey, this thing is bulletproof. It will work." So, like a moth to the flame, I pulled back the layers and started reading through everything this author had said. What I found was horrible dating advice. I'm not claiming to be the expert here. I'm saying God is, and he disagrees.

When you're reading headlines like, "Hey, keep her confused" or "Don't take no for an answer," that's not good advice. Yet, what we can know from that is even the so-called dating experts don't have a clue what they're doing. No one knows what they're doing, but God does. So, over the course of tonight, I want to help you see what he says.

The way I want to do it is I want to give you a series of principles. I want to help you understand the dos and don'ts of it all. Before we really get into it, what you need to hear from me is this warning. If all you hear tonight is a bunch of tips and tricks for finding that special someone or how to hack the system on happily ever after, then you will have wasted your time here tonight. You see, values are only so good as the vision they support.

So, my goal is to help you get a vision of a God who has built a beauty beneath all of this that transcends things like a great opening line or meeting somebody new or going on that first date or publicly displaying your affection, because people actually do enjoy doing that, or meeting the parents at some point or bending the knee and proposing the question and sailing off into the sunset with your special someone. There's more to it than just those things.

Christ's principles for love, which we're going to talk about tonight, can get you a date, but it is Christ's picture of love that will keep you in a relationship. You need to see him. So, what I want to do is walk you through a series of principles. I have eight of them, which, if you know me, immediately causes you to panic, because I already take too long unpacking three to four principles every single week.

So, we're going to split this thing into two weeks. We have part 1 tonight and part 2 next week. So, if you like what you hear this evening, come back around, because we'll have more for you next time. We're going to walk through four principles on the dos and don'ts of dating. Are you guys ready for this?

1. Don't be anxious, but do be dependent. What do I mean by that? Well, to depend upon someone is to rely upon that person to fulfill some need you have. Now, as I say that, this is not a license nor excuse for you to snap into your stage five clinginess and start searching across the four corners of this planet earth to find that person whom your soul has set its affections upon. That's not what I'm telling you to do. The goal here is not to be needy. You don't need a boyfriend or a girlfriend. What you do need is Jesus. The Scriptures unpack this very clearly.

Isaiah 26:4 says, "Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock." Meaning, there is stability with him. A relationship won't necessarily promise you stability, but God can promise you stability. He is a rock upon which you can stand. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart…" Not just part of it, but the entirety of it. "…and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

Does anybody feel, as you navigate the tumultuous road of romance, like, "Man, I am weaving and winding all over the place"? God is the one, as you walk through this life, who can make your path straight. You don't have to bob and weave and wind and wander, because he leads you forward. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that for those who love God all things…" That is a universal statement of totality. "…all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

What does all that mean? In a world that's saying, "Hey, you have to have sex. You need to find a partner, and you need to make sure to look for marriage to have a fulfilling and complete human experience," you, if you have Jesus, can say, "No, I'm good. I have everything I need. I'm not one who is needy, like the rest of the world that subscribes to your advice, because I have all that I need in him.

I have one who stabilizes me. I have one who leads me forward. I have one who works all things, even the bad of my life, into good purpose. I have a God I can depend on. My happiness does not rise or fall on the back of whether or not I find love in this life; my happiness rises and falls on the fact that love has already found me in this life. Jesus has found me." That is big when it comes to romance, because few things are more anxiety-inducing than dating.

I remember in that ministry I was a part of that I described at the very beginning of the night, I could literally spot the guys, point them out in a crowd, who were showing up to our Bible studies not because they wanted to open the leather and read together, but they wanted to find a spouse. It was easy. I could point them out.

Those guys who are "Where's my hug at?" kind of guys. You know, I could find those dudes. They always had shirts with sleeves that were slightly too tight for their arms, and their cologne wafted across the room. I could smell them before I ever saw them. I knew. For some reason, they would spontaneously appear wherever the girls were gathering. You could point them out a mile away.

On the girl side of things, whenever a new girl would enter into the Bible study, you could see the death glare. Every girl was not looking upon that new arrival as "my new best friend," but "You are the archenemy I have been waiting for. You are the one who is here to threaten all my eternal happiness in the men I have come to find." That's what I would find. It was so easy.

The reason all this is true is because dating is anxiety-inducing. It leaves people so pent up and worried. It spins them up, and then it spirals them out with all sorts of emotion. It felt crazy to me, yet the reality is it is true, not just for me there but for you in here. The data would say that 68 percent of women…that's 7 out of 10 of you…would say dating is your leading cause of stress. That's crazy.

Have you seen the job market? Have you looked at the cost of living? Just look at the timeline on whatever social media you have. There is negative news everywhere, yet you're like, "I've seen it all, but it is nothing in comparison to my dating life." You're so stressed out that women even reported that some had passed out and puked on a date because of that stress.

Guys, you're not necessarily losing your lunch at the thought of dating, but you are losing your nerve, because 63 percent of men…not 7 out of 10, but 6 out of 10…are opting to stay single given the difficulties they find in the dating world. They're just like, "I'm out. I'm out. Y'all can play with that. I'm going to go over here and sit on the sideline." That's often the man's approach.

What does that all mean? Seeking out love, searching for the one, sharing your feelings, risking rejection, and processing the possibility of forever with someone leaves people feeling anxious, yet here's the thing for the believer. As we set sail and voyage into the sea of swirling emotion and capsizing doubt that we call dating, we have a steady anchor. We have one who holds us fast, because we don't depend upon our strength in the storm; we depend on his.

We know one who calms the wind and the waves even when the hurricane of romance blows through. We know God, and that changes everything. Paul says it like this when he writes to the church of Philippi. He says in Philippians 4:6-7 (famous verses), "…do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving…" Those are deeds of dependence. "…let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

You see, when you depend on God, you move from an obsession to that which isn't… "I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have a girlfriend. I'm going to be alone forever. All I'm ever going to have around my house are cats." You move from an obsession with what isn't to a gratitude for what is. "I may not have a significant other, but I do have the significant one. I have God, and he is all I need. I need nothing else, for in him I find all that I want and require."

Now hear me. I'm not saying you shouldn't desire a spouse, but what I am saying is that you don't need to be desperate for one. Desperate people do desperate things. I see this all the time. If you live within a ministry context long enough, you will see good, godly people do crazy, desperate things. The number of godly women I know who have, in a desperate attempt to find love, settled for some guy who goes to church is astronomical.

I can't begin to count how many women I know who have found themselves doing it. I have talked to many of you down here at the foot of this stage. Here's what I want to tell you. Whether you're a guy or a girl in that situation, if you are having to convince yourself they're a Christian, they're not. They're not a believer. We know believers not just by their words but by their deeds. We can look at their life and see the one who is Lord over it.

"But, Kylen, once we get married, I'm going to help him out." No, you're not. He doesn't want your help. If he is not willing to love Jesus while he is trying to woo you, he will not love Jesus whenever he has won you. Right now, he is in a season of impressing, so if you're not impressed with what you see, then why would you wait any longer? You have my permission to break up.

You want someone like what Jeremiah 17 describes. Jeremiah 17 says, "Thus says the Lord: 'Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.'"

Does that sound like a guy you want to pair up with? Did you hear the detail Jeremiah just gave? "He is like a shrub in the desert. He shall not see any good. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness in an uninhabited salt land." I don't even know what some of that means, but I know I don't want that to be my story.

Here's what you would want. Verse 7: "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit."

That's the kind of man you want, ladies. That's the kind of woman you want, guys. You want someone who trusts in Jesus, who depends on God, who does not look to you to be their source of life because they have a source of life, who is able to look at you when…not if but when…the heat comes.

When conflict arises, when you're at each other's throats, when one of you loses a job, when someone gets sick, when a child goes astray, when the circumstances of life begin to suffer, you want someone who looks at you and says, "I'm not going anywhere, because I am committed to him, and because I am committed to him, I am committed to you. I'm not leaving. I'm dependent, not on you for my need, but on him who satisfies my every need." That's the first thing you have to know, because without that, every other point we'll walk through this week and next week is irrelevant. You have to have that.

2. Don't be passive; do be purposeful. If you look at the landscape of dating today, a greater percentage of young men are single in comparison to women than at any other point in history. Why is that? The increasing prevalence of male passivity. Now, before you ladies break out and cheer and start to "amen" everything I say, let me be very fair. I am not insinuating in any way that there is some deficiency within men today that there has not been in times past.

This is the primary male problem. If you go back to the very beginning of the book, do you know what Adam's original sin was? It was a sin of passivity. This is something we men are all imbued with by nature. Our fallen nature says we are passive in our pursuit of anything, but particularly that which God has put us on this earth to do: to fulfill the cultural mandate. Yet, while passivity isn't particular to our generation alone, it is nonetheless our problem. We have to do something about it, men.

So, let me talk to you for a minute. Sociologist and author Mark Regnerus describes in his book The Future of Christian Marriage that much of male passivity is the result of a culture accustomed to cheap sex. He talks about what he calls marriage economics. Things like cohabitation, casual hookups, and pornography make alternatives which God would say are good and right and desirable, things like abstinence and marriage, all the more costly.

What does it mean if something costs more? It is more valuable. It's worth more. What you need to know is that you don't stumble over diamonds, but you do pass over pennies all the time. It is easy to passively move through life and see pennies scattered along the way, yet what do you do with them? Often, you don't even bother to bend down and pick them up. Why? Because they are worthless.

How do you find a diamond? You purposefully pursue it. You must mine for it. It takes work. It takes effort. It takes initiation because it is valuable. That's how we should pursue romantic relationships. Men, very specifically, this is how you should pursue our ladies. You pursue them the way Jesus has pursued you.

First John 4:19 says, "We love because he first loved us." What is that saying? Very simple verse. We all know it. It's saying Christ initiated with you before the thought ever even crossed your mind. Ephesians 1:4 says, "…even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him." It's saying that Jesus chose you.

Romans 5:8: "…but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." He was willing to not only seek you but sacrifice himself for you. This is the kind of purposeful love that we see in the person of Christ. In God, we find anything but passivity. He loved us before the thought ever even crossed our minds. He chose us before we ever thought, "Maybe I should choose you." He gave himself. He died your death because he wanted you that badly.

There is not a happenstance moment or a haphazard bone in God's body. He is fully and finally intentional. You date the same way. Don't be passive; be purposeful. Which means, for the men in the room (and don't worry, ladies; I'm coming to you next), you initiate in the dating context, but you don't just slide into their DMs or connect with them online in some convenient way. I'm not diminishing the opportunity that's available in online dating. That's another talk for another time. There's good and bad to that as well.

What you need to know is that those things require no purposefulness. It takes no courage to slide into someone's DMs, to drop a meme, to "like" a comment. It takes nothing of you to do that. Ladies, as you assess potential suitors, you need to see in them the kind of courage you would want to link up with. Guys, you need to make every effort to do more than swipe right. You need to walk across the room, you need to tell a woman she's great, and you need to ask her if she would be willing to go on a date with you. Be purposeful.

The thing is you don't need to take my word for it. Ninety-three percent of women report they prefer the man to make the first move. Ninety-three percent! That means 9 times out of 10 in this room, if you catch yourself swapping glances with a young lady, more than likely she's waiting for you to do something about it. That's what this is saying.

She is expecting you to move with confidence, dignify her as worth the risk, and demonstrate a kind of courage that Christ was willing to take on himself to save his beloved. "But, Kylen, what if I get rejected?" You might, but godly men don't run from the fight. They don't run from the fight. We run into the fight. We engage the fray.

I remember the very first girl I ever asked out in college. I didn't know much, nor did I do much right at this point, but I remember, by God's own clarion call, that she was worth me walking over and asking out. So, wide-eyed and feeble freshman Kylen made the long stroll across the cafeteria, and the whole way, he said, "She's worth it. She's worth it. She's worth it. She's worth it. This is crazy, but she's worth it."

As I stood there before her and all of her friends, not having chosen a good moment to do this, I asked her out, and she said, "Yes." Later on, she asked me why, and I told her, "Because I think you're worth it." Listen. If I can do that, then you can do this. You can plan a date. You can send a text. You can write an encouraging note. You can send a voice message on your way home. You can make a reservation for dinner, and you can tell her what to wear.

All right, ladies. Hold on. The ladies are like, "Yes!" You are not off the hook, because passivity is not just a guy problem. You do not wait for a man to start living your life. So many women I know who I've visited with… I've looked at them and asked them the question, "Hey, what's your plan? For the next two or three years, what's happening in your life?" and they have nothing figured out.

The reason why is "I'm going to meet my husband. We're going to get married, and then we're going to move in together, and we're going to start our brand-new life. As I do so, he'll take care of the finances, and he'll take out the trash, and I'll never have to break down a box in my life, because he's going to do all that for me instead."

What I have looked at them and said, and I want to say to you, is "Fantasizing for your future is a form of passivity." So many of you are placing your life on hold. You are pausing your progress personally because the fantasy of what you want tomorrow is more riveting than the reality of what you have right now. Do not do that to yourself. Don't. Not just because you deserve more. We need more. We need you.

We need you to pursue your career and not wait to purchase that home and start leading in your church and serving other people and moving toward your gifts in God, because that will lead to his glory and our good. We need you to do these things now. Don't wait. Don't pause your progress personally. Do not indulge your passivity. Don't wait for a man to push forward in life.

A lot is said to young women about becoming a Proverbs 31 woman, but you need to hear this, because it says this of that woman in verses 16-17: "She considers a field and buys it…" Meaning, she's entrepreneurial. "…with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard." She's industrious. "She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong." She's secure. She's secure, ladies. You be secure. You live purposefully with him, and you live purposefully without him.

When I lived in College Station, I had a dear friend who worked in advertising up in New York City. She left a New York City advertising agency to come all the way down to small-town USA Aggieland because God had called her to specifically minister to women. It was a crazy decision for her to make, because the rest of the world was looking at her like, "What are you doing? Everybody who's anybody lives in New York City. This is the place to meet someone if you're going to meet someone. If you're going to live it up, this is the place to live it up.

Why would you leave here without a husband and move to that place, of all places, where the mean age is 18 to 22? Why would you do that to yourself? There are no romantic suitors in that city for you." Yet she said, "I am driven by a purpose to my God, not to some man, so I will make the move." She gave herself to the cause of Christ, and she is making massive moves for the kingdom there. Ladies, be like that.

So, say that all of this is making sense, but now you're wondering, "How are they supposed to know I'm interested in them?" That's not a trick question, even though it can feel like it. "Just go up and say 'Hello.'" It's not a trick question, because we live in a culture that has made communicating our intent increasingly difficult.

It doesn't take long to read across our society and see things like benching, breadcrumbing, cuffing, curving, wildflowering, and zombieing, none of which I made up here on the spot, all of which I read in the research and are prevalent in your culture because people don't know how to communicate. What the heck is happening right here?

3. Don't be confusing, but do be clear. First Corinthians 14:33a says, "For God is not a God of confusion but of peace." Psalm 119:130 says, "The unfolding of your words gives light; it imparts understanding to the simple." If your dating is confusing, then your dating is inconsistent with the character of God. God does not confuse his people; he gives clarity to his people. We see that nowhere more exemplified than in the person of Jesus.

If you read Mark 12:14, you hear them describe this of our Savior: "And they came and said to him, 'Teacher, we know that you are true and do not care about anyone's opinion. For you are not swayed by appearances, but truly teach the way of God.'" I love that. Jesus didn't change how he spoke or what he spoke to people depending on who was standing in front of him. He did not change the truth on the basis of what people he was engaging with. Instead, he was always truthful. He was always honest. He was always understandable to those he engaged with.

Our dating should be the same. That's what people want. According to one of the largest surveys conducted on singles and dating in America from people just like you, the highest value in a potential partner is someone who is up front about their relationship goals. Meaning, we don't want to play games with each other. We want to speak plainly to each other. We want to say what we mean, and we want to mean what we say.

I remember when Brooke and I were dating early on in our relationship. We went on a date, an amazing date. I planned the entire thing out. We had an incredible evening together with stimulating conversation. I drove to drop her off at the southern dormitories at Texas A&M University. I leaned in, unplanned, and kissed her good night.

It did not take long, less than 24 hours, for her to call me and say, "We need to process some things." So, we sat in my truck the next day, and she looked at me and said, "I don't know what kind of girl you think I am, but that's not the kind of girl I actually am. I am not okay with that line of engagement. That's confusing to me. What do you actually want this to be?" It was there in the truck that I defined our relationship, because she called me to the carpet, and I loved her for it.

Ladies, this isn't even in my notes, but I just need you to know this from me. So much of the maturity of our men hinges upon your ability to look at them and say, "I'm not putting up with this." They will do as I did. They will lie restless at night in their bed, and they will wonder, "What has happened to me?" You actually have the key to unlocking their growth in God.

We must be clear with one another, which means we don't flirt with someone just to get a sense of validation. I talk to guys, and I've literally had guys look at me and say, "But I love the thrill of the hunt, Kylen." Do you know how weird that sounds? Take the camouflage off, bro. She's not a trophy for you to hunt and kill; she is a treasure for you to find and keep. You're not going to mount her on your wall. You're going to move in together, and you're going to serve one another. That's the nature of how this goes.

Ladies, stop hiding behind the excuse that you're just bubbly and you can't help the fact that he's catching the wrong idea. Avoid emotionally charged friendships. Don't have full conversations through text or spend multiple hours a week with that girl or that guy who you have absolutely no legitimate interest in, even if you love spending time with them. Here's the thing: if you love spending time with them, then date them. The reality is many of you don't love spending time with them; you love that they're spending time with you. That's very validating, yet it's very confusing.

Stop ghosting them. Do I actually need to unpack this one? Here's what I would say. If you're not interested, affirm them where you can and graciously tell them you just don't see it working out for yourself. I will literally tell you what to say. Are you listening? Here's what you can say. If you're not interested in someone, you can say, "Hey, I think you're great, but I don't think we're a great fit. Thank you for the honor of asking me out." That's it. It's that simple.

It's dignifying to the other person, not demeaning to them. You actually treat them like they exist, that they're a child of God, that they're your brother or sister in Christ. You don't ghost them. Avoid using some derivative of, "It's not you, it's me." No, it is them, so tell them that. Saying things like, "I'll always love you. You're so great. Maybe one day. The timing is just bad…" That is not helping them.

Listen to me. Clarity brings closure, and it's kind to help people close the chapter on one stage of life so they might begin to write a new chapter with someone else. You do that for them. I'm not saying you cut them down at the knees. "Well, I hate you because you smell bad and your hair is weird and you have a weird taste in food or music." Don't do that. Be clear with them. Gracious but truthful.

Then, definitely, last but not least, quit using God as your excuse. It is insincere to say that God is calling you someplace else, that you just don't have peace about this, that you're still processing with your community, when in reality you just don't like them. Listen to me. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm really wanting to engage with you, because this sounds nice, but what it does is it excuses you from the responsibility, and it accuses God of being at fault.

Do not do that. Do not call his character into question in the life of another believer because you're not interested. That is a disproportioned allocation of value. It's okay to say, "I don't see this working," but don't tell him God doesn't see it working. Proverbs 24:26 says, "An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips." Clarity is kindness, so be clear with one another.

4. Don't be dramatic; do be steady. Second Corinthians 10:5 says, "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ…" Isaiah 26:3 says, "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brothers [and sisters], whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Do you hear what these verses are emphasizing? They are all emphasizing your thought life, that we should take thoughts captive to obey Christ, that we should keep our minds stayed on God, that we should think about godly things. Why does that matter? Because you want to date someone who's in their right mind.

I remember a mentor of mine called me and asked me, "Hey, how are you and Brooke doing?" I responded, "Man, we're doing really great. Nothing really new to report." I loved his response. He sighed on the other end of the phone and said, "Man, isn't that awesome?" Steadiness is not listed amongst the most sexy qualities to find in a suitor, but it is listed among the best qualities to find in a suitor.

You want someone who is like their God, the same today, yesterday, and forever. You want them to be consistent. You don't want to date crazy. You don't want someone who's lost in their feelings. You want someone who's tethered to the truth, who tunes their life to the voice of God. "But, Kylen, what about following your heart?" That is terrible advice. Do not follow your heart. Follow God's Word.

The Scriptures tell us in Proverbs 28:26, as one example, "He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered." How do you walk wisely with the one who has written wisdom into the fabric of creation? You see, the heart wants for things that it should not, and it leads us to do things we regret. So, we don't follow our feelings; we focus on the truth. That's who we are. We are a people of the truth. We follow it and it alone.

What you have to know is whatever is consistently true in your significant other's life is going to eventually become consistently true in your own life, because as you date and come together, one another standing at the altar… Because that's the point and purpose of dating. It's to eventually have a series of "yeses" that leads to an eventual "I do."

What you will find is that what's true of them will become true of you. You will become like one another, or you'll just see that this isn't working, and you'll go against God's will and divorce. This is how these things happen. You want someone who is not drama. "Well, he's always angry. He can't seem to regulate his emotions."

"Well, she always knows what's going on with her friends or with our neighbors' lives." You think you want someone to know the details of everybody's life as well as the details of yours? It sounds like they're probably not good at keeping that information locked. "Well, she likes bad boys." That sounds like sabotage to your peace. I would avoid that at all costs. You don't want someone who's full of drama. You want someone who's steady.

In the book of Judges, we meet a guy by the name of Samson. Samson is head over heels in love with this woman named Delilah. She was a Philistine woman. What you see is there are two things characterized in her relationship with Samson. She is characterized by a desire for him but also a deceit of him. She wanted to betray Samson into the hands of her people so they might overcome him.

So, the entirety of their relationship, she was trying to figure out what his weakness was. Do you want to know what Samson's weakness was? It wasn't his hair. It was that he fell in love with crazy. That was Samson's problem. He started dating drama. Do not make the same mistake. You date to find a spouse. You want to find someone you can link up with and can move forward through life together alongside.

Will you know if they're the one on the first date? No. Will you know if they're the one in the first month? Likely no. So many of us have bought into this formulaic Christian science where we must tell her that we are only pursuing her for the sake of being united to one another in holy matrimony under God and before all of our friends, and then we must make all of our intentions plainly clear before…

We're so bought into this science. Listen. Dating is not a science; it is an art, but there is a series of colors you should paint with. We have given you four tonight. We're going to give you four more next week. You paint with them a beautiful picture that matches the picture of Christ's love for us.

How has Christ loved us? He has done all of this. When we were anxious in spirit, he was dependent on our behalf. He submitted himself to the will of God. He left heaven and came to earth because God wanted him to. What we see in Christ is that when we were passive, he was still purposeful. He pursued a people that wanted nothing to do with him.

He didn't fear rejection. He looked at us and said, "You can tell me 'no' and 'no' and 'no' again." Some of you have been telling him "no" and "no" and "no" all your life, yet he is here tonight pursuing you, and he's saying, "Please, finally say 'yes' to me. I am purposeful for you. I will pursue you because you're valuable to me. You're not some penny I'm going to leave laying on the ground. No, I want to scoop you up. I want to mine you out. I want to bring you to myself."

When we were confused, Jesus was clear. He brought clarity to the confusion of our condition. We, like sheep, had gone astray. We didn't know what we were doing. We were lost in our rebellion, yet Christ, full of crystal clarity, saw "That is their condition, this is the cost, and what I will do is I will give myself to pay it."

While we were lost in the drama of our death, Jesus was steady for our sake. Jesus was one who never wavered for you, never second-guessed about you. He always kept the right mind. He wanted you even to the point when he should have questioned it himself, hanging upon the cross and dying your death for you. This is the kind of love Christ has for you.

Listen to me. If you want to build a relationship that lasts, then look to the one who has built a relationship that does last. He has built a relationship with you that will not just last today or tomorrow or this life; it lasts forever. So many of us are trying to do this on our own. We're looking to the world for advice. No. Stop looking elsewhere. Look right here. He wants to tell you how to do it because he has shown you how to do it. He has shown you by way of his own sacrifice. Let me pray that you would believe it.

God, we are so grateful for tonight. God, I am personally overwhelmed at the thought of how much you love us, what you would give to have us. I pray, Lord, please, as has been my prayer, let us not just see hints and hacks for how to date well and find love and get married. Help us to see the beauty beneath it all, that beauty which would say, "I'll give up everything to have you. I love you so much."

"How much, Jesus?"

"I love you so much that I'll give my life for you."

"But I don't deserve that."

"You don't deserve it."

"I'm not worth that."

"You're not worthy of it, but I love you anyway. I choose you anyway."

That's how great the love of God is for us.

So, God, it's to that love that we respond tonight. We're grateful. Let us now hold nothing back, for nothing held you back in pursuit of us. It's in your name we pray, amen.