How Do I Break Up With Someone?

All right, Porch. How are we doing tonight? Are we doing okay? It's great to see you. Thanks so much for making time to be here with us this evening. We never take it for granted. We consider it such an honor to be a part of what God is doing here in the city of Dallas in the lives of our generation, seeing it week in and week out. It's really amazing. But also getting to be a part of what God is doing in the lives of young adults just like yourself in cities all over the nation.

We have Porch.Live locations that are near and dear to our hearts where people just like you are gathering together and worshiping in song and reading God's Word. We're so glad. If you're a Porch.Live location, thanks for tuning in, and a special shout-out to Porch.Live Springfield, Midland, and Boise.

Well, there came a moment two years into my relationship with Brooke that I never foresaw coming and I have never forgotten since. The reason why is because she wrote me six painstaking pages detailing some troubles we were navigating at that time in our dating relationship. Now, I'm not going to read you most of this. In fact, I'm not going to read you much of it. But I am going to read to you the very first sentence, because I think it will help articulate to you why this was such a defining moment for the two of us.

It reads this: "Kylen, I'm so sorry if this comes to you as a surprise or if it is too harsh, but I have some painfully honest feelings that, after much thought and prayer, I know I need to communicate." How do you think the rest of this letter reads? Tough. It is tough to work through. I haven't looked at this thing in years. I didn't know I still had it.

Yet I decided to crack it open and read through its pages, and I decided one sentence was enough to get the ball rolling on this, because what you need to know is it articulates a moment in our relationship that was difficult, to say the least, a moment where we were facing a question so many of you either have faced or potentially are facing right now, which is, "Are we even supposed to be together?"

At that time, Brooke and I were dating purely, and we were talking honestly and laughing regularly and loved one another genuinely. We were in a really healthy spot, yet as we journeyed through our romantic relationship with one another, we started to identify some differences, some distinctions in one another that began to create some discrepancies.

We started to see, like, "Man, our futures… Are they actually aligned? You've got these gifts and I've got these gifts." Or "There are some personality distinctions between us, and that's creating some difficulty." Or maybe it's not that. Maybe it's a weakness you have or a skill you didn't learn or a challenge in our upbringing. As we started to see these things stacked up in comparison to one another, it begged the question within our relationship, "Is this thing meant to go the distance or is this as far as we actually should go?"

Now, why do I tell you that? Because although Brooke and I stand here today and are more happily married in this moment than we have ever been, it's nonetheless true that, for you, you're going to find yourself, despite dreams of fairy tales and anticipating "happily ever afters," facing a similar situation. Whether it's now or later, you're going to encounter the pain of love gone wrong.

Love is difficult. Romance is challenging. Maybe it's constant communication breakdowns between you and your significant other that have left you feeling like, "Man, we're on different pages. We can never seem to get aligned." Maybe it's not that. Maybe it's the fact that they always overpromise but under-deliver. They're full of good intentions, but they never actually follow through with action.

Maybe it's not that. Maybe you've tangoed through trouble one too many times, you're emotionally exhausted, and you're just not sure if you have the gas to keep going. No matter what it is, whatever it is, it has more than likely, in our generation, been memorialized in your mind by way of romantic regret or some unwanted wound or an angsty teenage breakup song.

It's no surprise, in fact, that people like Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Selena Gomez, Adele, and Olivia Rodrigo all have breakups to thank for their first number one hit on the Billboard Hot 100. Why? Because there's something we resonate with when we hear those lyrics. You did set fire to the rain. You do remember it all too well. They did say forever, and now you're alone driving past their street.

You see, heartbreak hits hard, people. I don't just mean that figuratively. It's fascinating. When studied under an MRI scanner, the brain of a person experiencing heartbreak resembles the brain of someone experiencing cocaine withdrawals. You're literally detoxing yourself from that other person. You've become hooked on them. That's the nature of what happens as you express affection, share intimacy, and commemorate particular moments and experiences. You find that a breakup is not just an emotional test; it is a physical test as well.

The world has a variety of prescriptions to help you figure out your way through it, but God has another way. He has a way that I want to walk through with you tonight that might be able to help ease some of the difficulty if you're considering breaking up. I want to talk to you about how to do that.

I know some of you are like, "Why did we come to The Porch tonight if this is what he's going to talk about?" Here's the truth: we're going to talk about it because the goal in understanding how to break up isn't just to minimize pain; it's to maximize life. That's what God's intent has always been when it comes to relationships. You see, although the Bible doesn't give us a detailed blueprint on how to break up with someone, it does give us a lot of detail on how to treat someone.

So, what I want to do over the course of the rest of our time is to look through a variety of passages to substantiate three particular principles that I think will be helpful for you as you navigate the difficult terrain of love gone wrong. So, you can track with the screen. It's going to be difficult to pick up all of the verses just by flipping along.

Before we even dive into it, here's what I want to say. This is now our eighth week in this series. I don't know how that leaves you feeling. I know, for me, it has felt like a really long journey. It can feel that way if all we see this series as is a self-help guide to finding love, but that's not just what this is. Yes, there are some principles we're going to discuss, but what you realize as you study these principles from God's Word is they're not just principles to finding love; they're a picture of how love found you.

We see in Jesus not just the lessons on how to engage with another person romantically; we see in Jesus a picture of what that love should look like actually. We see in him, in the gospel itself, something bigger, richer, deeper, fuller, and realer than you can find in the world. So, as we get into this tonight, I want you to see everything we talk about as it connects to him. If all you do is walk away, and you feel like you learned some tricks and some hacks on how to find the one, then we've missed it tonight. You have to make sure to see the only one who actually matters. With all that said, how do you break up?

1. Speak clearly so questions are answered. As God's people…let me be very clear…we do not deal in delusions. We deal in the truth. That's the nature of who we are. It's particularly true when it comes to breakups. Ephesians 4:15 tells us, "Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ…"

Colossians 3:9 says, "Do not lie to one another…" You're not a person of delusion. "…seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices…" First Peter 3:10: "For 'Whoever desires to love life and see good days…'" Does that sound like anybody?" That sounds like me. "…let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it."

What does all of that mean? It means that as we walk through life, particularly as we walk through dating, we're not just meant to live; we're specifically meant to speak in such a way that avoids confusion by pursuing clarity. That's what this is all saying, which is why ghosting is such a terrible tactic for ending a relationship. If it weren't, then 84 percent of Millennials and Gen Z (aka, people like you) wouldn't admit to being ghosted and not feeling very good about it.

Ghosting (aka, the act of falling off the face of the planet) ultimately breeds confusion. That's what it does. It doesn't help people get the hint; it just helps people get hurt. That's all that ghosting does. I know I don't need to convince you that ghosting is bad. We've all been there. We all get that. But I do need to convince you to stop doing it to one another.

The truth of the matter is so many of us don't want the awkward interaction of looking at someone and saying, "I just don't think this is working for me." "So, I guess, if I don't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say anything at all." Listen. You don't thank someone for not pointing out to you the fact that you have food in your teeth. You don't thank someone for failing to inform you that your fly is open. Why? Because clarity is kindness, not silence. You don't want to be silent, because that is not kind.

When it comes to this reality, ghosting other people because it's just easier to avoid the difficulty than actually engaging, I want to be clear: that is so dehumanizing to another person. It's dehumanizing to look at someone and say, "You're worthy of my words at the beginning of our relationship, but you're not worthy of my words at the end of it." That literally dehumanizes someone. It ascribes to them value, and then it reassigns value elsewhere, particularly to yourself at the end of the relationship.

If you have the audacity to take from someone else their time at the beginning of your relationship, then have the decency to give of your time to them at the end of the relationship. Don't ghost one another. We speak the truth in love, which is an important clarification, to be very clear, because while love certainly means we do say something, it doesn't mean we say everything. Colossians 4:6 says, "Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person." Meaning, we should be considerate of what's constructive in the breakup.

I remember counseling a guy when I worked in college ministry. He came to me, and he was talking to me about a breakup he'd recently lived through. It was interesting hearing him recount the facts, because he didn't come to me and tell me, "Man, these are all of the things she said I did well" or "You know what? These are all of the things I didn't do well." He wasn't remembering any of the details about their interactions. What he remembered, instead, was the fact that she looked at him in the midst of the breakup and simply said, "I just wish you were taller."

Now, there's a lot I could say about this, but for the sake of time… With your words you have the ability to do one of two things. You have the ability to be constructive to someone else, to build them up, or destructive to someone else, which is to tear them down. In a dating relationship, everything you say, particularly when you break up, needs to be constructive. It needs to exist to build the other person up.

Am I saying you can't have preferences in dating? No, I'm not saying that. Am I saying you shouldn't consider those preferences as you move through a dating relationship? Of course not. You need to think about those things. You need to evaluate a future with that person. What I am saying is if they don't have control over it, you don't get to blame them for it.

You see, the goal in a breakup is to speak with such consideration and construction that the other person understands what's wrong with you together and not what's wrong with them. Does that make sense? You want them to understand "We are not a good fit for each other" as opposed to "You're not a good fit for me." It's a collective issue. It's two people processing why there's a misfire.

Of course, there are always exceptions to this rule. If he speaks, and he's constantly tearing you down…he's rude, he's anxious, he's perpetually a problem with the words he says…maybe it's good to say that. "Hey, when you say things, it's rude, man. You shouldn't speak that way." Maybe she's always pushing physical boundaries, and that's just inappropriate. Sometimes that stuff needs to be said.

But let me be clear. You want to speak on things that are ultimately for their benefit, which means there are things, like physical appearance, personality type, chronic illness, career accolades, family of origin, ethnic differences… All of these things are off limits when it comes to breaking up with someone. Let me be very clear. I'm not saying they shouldn't be considered as you evaluate your future with one another.

I have spoken to both guys and girls who have considered the weighty reality of entering into a long-term relationship, covenanting in marriage with someone who has the romantic repercussions of a chronic illness. It's good for them to consider, "What is the impact of that in my life and in our marriage? I need to think through that, not just because it's service to me, but because I want to make sure I can serve that person. I need to know what I am signing up for and who I'm accepting."

It's not wrong to consider these things. In fact, it's right to consider them. It's just wrong to accuse someone for that being the issue with them. It tears them down. They don't have control over it, so do not blame them for it. Be clear so long as it's constructive. I think one of the best teachers on how to break up with someone is "cut day" from Hard Knocks. If you've ever watched Hard Knocks, which is an HBO series that tracks, whether it's training camp or it's in season with an NFL team, one of the best teachers is the ways in which these coaches meet with players on cut day.

They're trying to whittle the team down to a 53-man roster. So, you see coaches break up with players who have given so much love and so much time and so much energy to this team. These coaches are masterful at being both clear and constructive before the guys even sit down. "Hey, Jake, you've done great, but we want to let you know we're going to let you go. Thank you so much for the work you put in. Let me compliment you on a few things. That way you know what you can work on in the future." That's the way those conversations go before they even sit down.

I think those coaches use a formula we can learn when it comes to breaking up. They always affirm first, sever next, and then thank last. That's something good for us to consider. That's a right formula for us to follow. If you're breaking up with someone, a clear way of speaking to them that is also constructive is, "Hey, I think you're great, but I don't think we're a great fit together, and I'd like to break up. I'm really grateful for the time we've had together."

You affirm them. You sever the relationship clearly. Let them know, "We're breaking up. This is not just a break." Then you thank them. Someone doesn't have to be a bad person to be a bad fit, and it's our responsibility to make sure that's really clear. The reason why is because our God is not a God of confusion; he is a God of peace. That's what Paul says. Meaning, when we relate to God, we never wonder where we stand with him.

If we've placed our faith in Jesus, then we know we're children of God. If we've not placed our faith in Christ, then we know we're children of wrath. What we always know is where we stand in relationship to God. We should do the same to one another. We should help others know where they stand in relationship to us. We want to be a people not of confusion but a people of clarity, a people of peace like our King.

2. Act kindly so feelings are considered. Ephesians 4:1-3 says, "I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."

Titus 3:2 says, "Remind them…to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people." Romans 14:13, and then verse 19, says, "Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. […] So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding."

Do you hear the theme in these verses? Everything we do, every decision we make, every action we take, every word we speak, and every place we go should be done with consideration of the other person. The goal is to work in such a way where everything about ourselves, the interactions we have with others, ultimately leads to their well-being. Which is why, when it comes to breaking up, you have to carefully consider a few different things. You have to consider the who, the what, the when, the where, and the why of breaking up.

You have to consider the who. Who needs to be involved in the breakup? Which I know feels really obvious. "Kylen, it's probably going to be me and my significant other." You're not wrong. By and large, that's typically the case. More often than not, the only people who need to be involved in a breakup with one another are you and your partner, but there are exceptions to this rule. There are situations that require the input of other people.

I've been a part of moments like that, moments where they were prone to a particularly unique risk, whether it was abuse, self-harm, narcissism, emotional manipulation, or something like a strange family dynamic. Whatever it was, those situations necessitated the input and involvement of more people than just the couple themselves. You need to consider if that is your moment. Is that the kind of situation you're in?

Proverbs 11:14 tells us, "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety." Let me be very clear. Community should always be consulted before the breakup, but sometimes community needs to be involved during the breakup, and it's in moments like these.

Some of you are in a moment like this. You're in a moment where you know the minute you think of having that conversation, it's just going to be volatile. That guy tends to spin up in anger. Or "You know what? I can't really trust myself in that kind of conversation, because my tendency is to fold whenever I should stand" or "I've tried to have that conversation, but every single time, we just find ourselves in a cyclical pattern, and we end up right where we began."

If that's you, let me speak very clearly to you. You don't have to do that alone, nor should you have to. If you feel like your safety is jeopardized through a breakup conversation, will you please come talk to us? Would you do us the honor and give us the permission of walking with you through that situation? I know that can feel really exposing to you.

Like, the thought of coming down and engaging with one of our team members at the end of the service… You're like, "Man, everyone is going to know me, and my boyfriend or my girlfriend is here with me. I'm never going to be able to live that down." Listen. You don't have to come down here at the end of service. All you have to do is come grab the hand of someone wearing a black leader shirt and one of our lanyards. We would love to help you.

They will bring you straight to me, straight to my team, and we will process what this looks like. But if you're in that spot, you can't stay in that spot. In any breakup, the ultimate goal is to respect their privacy and ensure your safety. That's why it's important that you consider who needs to be in that conversation so we can achieve that result.

That's the who. The what is what needs to be said. We talked a little bit about this, so I'm not going to spend a ton of time here, but I do think it's important you know that whenever you're communicating in a breakup, a good rule of thumb, if you're the one doing the breaking up, is to use the word I instead of the word you.

It is much better to say, "I don't think we're a great fit" rather than "You're a monster, and I can't stand the sight of you." You don't want to say that to someone. You want to use the word I. Again, the goal here is to help them understand "We don't work" as opposed to "You don't work for me." When we use I instead of you, we're taking accountability, not just acting accusatorily.

Now, if in this instance you're the one being broken up with, it's important that you know what you need to say in that moment as well. If you're blindsided by the breakup, which isn't fair… Let me just say, if you're blindsiding someone in a breakup, that means you've not dealt clearly with them. Doubts and fears and concerns… That stuff shouldn't blindside someone. It should be discussed over the course of your relationship.

Whenever those conversations come up, they shouldn't feel like, "What? I had no idea." Instead, their reaction should be, "You know, we have talked about this, and it makes sense why you feel this way." They shouldn't be blindsided. But if in the event you are blindsided by the breakup, it's important that you know what you should say.

It's difficult in that moment, though, because a million little questions are going to spring to mind. "Did I do something wrong? Is there someone else? Wait. Is it too late? Can we make this thing actually work? I don't know. Did you ever really care for me?" You're going to process through so many different little questions.

It's okay in that moment to hear all of those internal questions, shut them down, look at that person, and simply say, "Hey, this is catching me off guard. I appreciate you being honest with me, but could we table this conversation until later in the week once I've been able to collect my thoughts? I'd love to come back more prepared. What do you think?" That's a totally appropriate answer. You need to make sure you know what you're saying, because what you say matters in a breakup.

You have to consider the when. When should it happen? Here's what I tell people. You want to choose a time of day that considers the rest of their day. Philippians 2:4 says, "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." You should consider, if you're wanting to break up with someone, what does their schedule look like? Are they going into a meeting? "Maybe I shouldn't do this before they go into the office." Is it Valentine's Day? That's probably a bad idea. You need to consider when you're going to have that conversation.

A good friend of mine recently told me he was dating a girl, decided to break up, and it was the day before his birthday. He didn't know she had planned a surprise party for him. That's a tough situation to be in, because they were both going to be there. They had to figure that out. So, it's important. Ideally, you want to make sure that whenever the news drops, they can turn on their "do not disturb," mark their "out of office," and they can retreat away and process their emotions. When you do the breakup matters a lot.

Where you do it also matters. Where should you break up? Personal recommendation: I wouldn't do it at dinner. It's hard to finish a meal once you've said those things. I wouldn't do it on a road trip, because chances are you have several hours left in the car together. I wouldn't do it when you're taking a trip, because that's going to spoil the rest of your experience. You need to pick a place where, should the rendezvous go south, the breakup blast radius doesn't impact everybody.

I remember in college, one of my very best friends was planning on breaking up with a girl, and he was oddly specific about where he wanted to do it. He knew he wanted to do it at night on her front porch, sitting on those steps. So, I asked him, "Dude, why do you care so much about the specifics of this?" I'll never forget his answer. It was so thoughtful.

He looked at me and said, "I know it needs to be in the evening, because that will mean she has nothing else planned for the rest of her day. I want it to be on her porch, because then she can go inside and either process with a friend or sit alone. And I want to do it from her front porch steps, because we have processed highs and lows in our relationship from that place, and I think the familiarity will be comforting to her." That's how you want to break up with someone. You want to be thoughtful of the where.

Now, a couple of ideas. You need to pick a place where you can see them face-to-face and it is on their turf. That matters. You want to see them face-to-face. It's dignifying to look someone in the eye whenever you deliver them hard news, and doing it on their turf ensures that you've prepared the space to be as accommodating and comfortable as possible once the moment is over and they need to go and process through their raw emotion.

Lastly, you have to consider why. Why do you want to break up? Now, let me be very clear. The why here actually is less for the benefit of the other person and more for the benefit of yourself. You want to make sure they know ultimately, with clear words, why the relationship is ending, but if they come to you, and they're asking a list of little detailed questions wondering why this is happening, you're not obligated to answer every single one of those.

The reason why is that's ultimately not trying to end the relationship; that is trying to save the relationship, which works against the decision that you, as you've prayed to God and consulted with community, have decided is best. You need to know why. The reason for it is because, in the heat of battle, what compels troops to keep going? A compelling reason. In the heat of heartache, what's going to compel you to keep going? A compelling reason.

Once emotions flare up and feelings start to freak and they start to cry and questions start to rise, you're going to need something, a bedrock of belief that "This is worth the effort; this is not a bad decision," because we're all people pleasers. The worst way you can please someone is by giving them what they want yet do not need in a breakup scenario.

We want to conduct ourselves in a way that's kind toward the other person, that considers their well-being. The reason is this is how Christ has conducted himself toward us. If you think about it, Jesus knew the who. He saw us very clearly. He knew we were sinners in need of saving. He knew the what, that it would require a perfect life, a death he didn't deserve, and he'd have to rise forth and take back his life into his own hands.

He knew the when. At the right time, Christ died for the ungodly. He knew the where. He would carry our cross up Calvary. And he knew the why. "I want to be with them forever." Jesus knew all of these variables when it came to pursuing you. It's good for us to consider these things as we process how we want to break up with one another.

3. Process cleanly so closure is achieved. Breaking up needs to be clear, kind, and clean. That's kind of the idea here. Matthew 5:9 says, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God." Romans 12:17-18 says, "Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." Hebrews 12:14 says, "Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord."

You see, contrary to what the culture will tell you, the right response to a breakup is not revenge; it's resolution. In prep for this message, specifically, I was listening to a podcast that walked through a detailed guide of sorts on how to break up with someone, and at the end of it all, they assigned this advice. They said, "Have revenge sex, enjoy your newfound freedom, and adopt a 'Where's my next victim?' vibe."

Here's the issue with that advice. I want to be very clear. I'm not picking on the podcast. I think that is just an example of the commentary and commendation of our culture. Here's the issue with it: that advice is not processing the pain of loss; it's just coping with it. You see, that could feel crazy. It's easy to hear something like that and wag our finger, shake our head, and think, "Why would you ever do such a thing?" Yet, when you study the science, you realize this makes perfect sense.

The fact that people default into coping mechanisms to take care of their heartache is not uncommon. Romantic love releases a flood of feel-good brain chemicals, things like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. The more affection, the more intimacy, and the more experiences you share with one another, the stronger that chemical bond becomes. It's a stout chemical cocktail of sorts.

The minute you remove the person who has been preparing that sort of interaction for you, your body freaks out and starts to search for another source or stimuli to continue those feel-good chemicals. It's why people ultimately find themselves after a breakup slipping into things like alcohol, pornography, binging, codependency, and all manner of other different things. It's not because they're evil people and they're trying to do bad. They're just trying to move on, but the truth is they're just falling behind.

There's a better path to take instead. That path is we seek peace. That's what all of those verses we read at the very top are talking about. We seek peace. We seek closure. We try to move on. One of the best examples of this in the Scripture is King David in 2 Samuel. After he and Bathsheba have had their affair and she has given birth to her firstborn, he fasts and weeps in a desperate attempt to save the life of that child, yet the minute that child dies…

His servant comes to him and is like, "Why aren't you weeping? Why aren't you fasting anymore?" David looks at his servant and just says, "The child is dead. That moment has passed. Now I rise up and move on." That's David's perspective. He understands. "My heartache has been processed because I've prayed my way through it, and now I can move forward." We should do the same thing. We need to process cleanly.

What does that even mean? Well, if you think about it, surgeons don't address wounds in dirty and disordered spaces. That wouldn't be productive. Why? Because that would only further the infection. How do surgeons ultimately address wounds? They do so in a way where the space is sterile, clean, safe, and ordered. We must address the wounds of our heart in a similar fashion. We have to make sure we're attending to the hurt and heartache we have in a proper way. So, I'm going to give you five ways that you should do this. If you're curious, "How do I move on?" here it is. Five things you should consider.

1. Take time. There's no average life cycle to how long it takes to move on from a relationship. I did a lot of study and tried to figure that out. It varies, yet one thing is true: it's going to take time, not because time heals all things but because God heals all things, and he does so in his time. Psalm 147:3 tells us, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." So, the goal is to stick as close to him as possible for as long as it takes.

I remember the deepest heartache I ever faced, which wasn't relational; it was something else altogether. It took way longer than I expected, and it took way longer than I wanted. I remember being comforted in the fact that it did not take longer than God expected and did not take longer than God wanted. It was through that season of suffering that I found myself nearer to him than I had ever been, learning things the likes of which I'd never known. So take time. It took you this long to get into the relationship; it's going to take you time to get out of the relationship.

2. Limit contact. Don't respond to their stories because you're hoping you're going to be able to rekindle the relationship. Don't stalk them on social media because you're wondering, "Are you hurting just the way I am?" Don't do that. Don't look at old photos of the two of you, reminiscing on times gone by, because there are no times coming ahead. You need to limit contact with one another. Don't do these things to yourself. Resist the temptation. Remove the exposure.

Let me be very clear. If you're here, and you're the one who has done the breaking up or is planning to do the breaking up, then you need to know…I cannot say this more strongly…you do not contact them to see how they're doing. That's not your job. "But I still want to be friends with them." You're not friends with them anymore. The minute you decided to date them, the nature of your relationship changed. They have other friends. They have community that can care for them. You're not allowed to be the cause of their pain as well as the cure to it.

So, do not pick up the phone and try to check on that person. Some of you are probably here, and you're thinking, "But I want to seek their forgiveness." They can give you their forgiveness without you ever discussing the issue. In God's time, should that conviction deepen and you not be able to shake the feeling, through prayer and consultation you can seek after it, but take time and limit contact.

3. Gather community. There's a saying that misery loves company, which is true. You need to be careful the company you keep, because you don't want people who are going to exacerbate your unrequited love for that person. You don't want them to pour fuel on feelings you don't need to catch any longer. You need to be careful who it is you gather around you, but you do need to gather people around you.

According to the Social Psychological and Personality Science journal, participants who processed their recent breakups faced better than participants who did not. It was by answering questions and processing their emotions through the context of community that people were able to move on more quickly from their breakup than those who didn't. That matches what God says. Proverbs 12:15 says, "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice."

Now, let me speak to the guys in the room, because we're bad at this. We're really bad at sharing our feelings. This isn't me trying to poke fun or make a joke about the traditional male stereotype. It's statistically proven that guys, not girls, actually struggle on the heels of a breakup more than most. The reason for that is women have developed the skill of finding emotional support outside the confines of a romantic relationship. They have friends and family and neighbors. Guys don't typically have that. Guys typically have one source of emotional support, and it's their girlfriend or their wife.

It's the reason SNL came up with a skit years ago that made a joke at this specific reality. It was a group of women who took their husbands to, not a dog park, but to the man park. The goal of that time was guys could talk about the NFL, the Avengers, and they could sip IPAs as they built relationships with one another. Something similar needs to happen in your life, guys. You need to find friends, not just for love but for life, because you need emotional support. You need people you can process your pain with. This applies to you too, ladies.

4. Embrace reality. This one will be fast. If you've ever said following a breakup, "I just don't have peace about his logic on this thing; I think we need to process that a little bit more," let me be very clear: you can disagree and still have peace. It's not that you don't have peace with his logic; it's that you don't have peace with your reality. You just need to embrace the fact that this is the hand you've been dealt.

5. Resist the rebound. I'm not talking about breakup sex, though you should avoid that too. Really, what I'm getting at is you don't confuse breaking up with breaking off. Oftentimes, couples will break off the relationship for a time. "We're going to take a break." Don't do that. If you're planning on breaking up, that is a severing of the relationship. "We are going different directions, and we're not going to interact." Which means you need to let your yes be yes and your no be no.

Like, if you decide to break up with them, then you don't get to go back and forth with that person. You need to stick to your standard. You need to believe God's Word, and you need to be a man or a woman who is faithful to what you have spoken. As Christians, our vision of moving on is not just a movement away from a painful past; it is a movement toward a hope-filled future. The reason for that is it accords with the Bible's standard of peace.

You see, in the Bible, the idea of peace is not just the absence of chaos; it is the presence of flourishing. No matter if you're doing the breaking up or you're the one being broken up with, your hope is not attached to what happened in the past; it's attached to the promise you hold in the future. Though you may have heartache back there, you have a God up there, and he's the one who gives you hope for the future, which is what Brooke reminded me of at the very end of her letter.

Though at the beginning of it she spoke good reason and cause for concern, and so many of the things she said were right for the time, at the end of it, she reminded me of why we have hope. She said, "I wanted to give you my honest heart, because as off or as warped as it may seem, it's something that I think you deserve to hear. I'm praying for us. I'm praying for God's clarity, God's nearness, and God's protection in our relationship."

Why would she pray for those things? Because Brooke knew what I'm praying you'd know, that when we were lost in confusion, confused about our relationship to God and our relationship with one another, Christ stepped in to speak clarity into our reality. He wanted to help us understand where we stood in relationship to him. When we failed to act kindly, both to one another and to God himself, Jesus showed us the greatest demonstration of kindness in that he came near to us, not just near to us in life but near to us in death and now near to us forever.

When we were anything but clean, stained in our sin and marred by our mistakes and facing the finality of our filth, Jesus offered us protection. He preserved the relationship, and the way he did so was by washing us clean through both his body and his blood. Friends, listen. We severed our relationship from God, but Christ saved our relationship to God. We broke from him, but he broke for us. Do you know him? No other relationship matters before that one first and foremost. Let me pray that you would.

God, thanks for tonight and this time in your Word and just the sufficiency of it for our lives. God, breaking up is hard. Dating is hard. Romance is hard. Relationships are hard, but, God, we do not have to process them nor navigate them on our own. I think about the world and the way they move through these tumultuous waters. God, what I know is they're trying to do so on the basis of guru guidance and worldly wisdom, but we don't have to do that.

God, we have your Word, and it is true. It is beautifully, beautifully true. The reason we know it's true is because everything we have talked about in this moment, every principle we've walked through, you, Jesus, have already personified. We see in you the perfect demonstration and display of everything that we want to be true of our relationships now. God, I pray we would not try to do them by way of our own reason but we would do them by way of relation to you.

Help us, God. For those here who do not know you, I pray they would place their faith in you, receive forgiveness for their sins, and live with you forever, not just one day in heaven but here today, right now. Then, God, for those in the room who already know you, I pray you would reveal a next step, something they need to do, not because they're desperate for your love but because, God, they've already received it, and that changes the way they move.

Then, God, I pray humbly for those in the room who need to break up. God, I pray they wouldn't feel a pressure from me; I pray they'd feel a conviction from you. For those, God, who have been broken up with, I pray they'd know you're near to the brokenhearted. You save the crushed in spirit. We love you. We sing to you now. Thanks, God, for this evening. It's in your name we pray, amen.

Hey, Porch, what I want us to do is to take a posture of openness before the Lord. I don't know what that looks like for you, but we're going to respond in worship. This moment matters a lot, because this is the moment where you've sung to God and heard from God, and now you get to respond to him.

If you want to respond in prayer, we have a team down here to my right and to my left. They would love to pray with you. If you want to sit where you are and consider things silently, that's okay too. If you want to stand and sing with us, we'll be doing that all across the room. Let's respond to the Lord right now, he who has sought after relationship with us.