What If I'm Just Not Attracted to Them?

All right, Porch. How are we doing tonight? Are we doing okay? Hey, it's great to be with you. Thanks for making the time to join us here on a Tuesday night. I'm so grateful we get to do this every single week. I talk to the Lord early in the morning on Tuesday and at the end of every Tuesday, and what I find myself praying are prayers of gratitude that he is moving in the lives of people just like you in a generation just like ours.

So, I'm so glad you're here with us in Dallas. Thanks, everybody who's tuning in online with us too. We're so grateful that God is not limited to just this one room but can meet with you anywhere, anytime, anyplace, and that includes right now. Special shout-out to Porch.Live Dayton, Fort Worth, and Wheaton.

Well, Porch, I don't know if you've heard the news, but after two years of dating, Travis Michael Kelce and Taylor Alison Swift are officially engaged. Taylor did the impossible. Somehow, in a single moment, she simultaneously fulfilled the hopes of all her adoring Swifties while crushing the dreams of so many guys who thought they actually stood a chance. It could not have come a day too soon, because it's today that we are wrapping our dating series called We Need to Talk.

It is no surprise that many of you have been gathering with us in this room over the course of the last several weeks because you want to end up where these two lovebirds find themselves right now. You want to move through this world not alone but with someone. So, you stepped into this space alongside us, and we've been exploring what God has to say about dating, romance, and relationships. As we look at the landscape of love, how do we navigate what feels like a tumultuous territory?

As we've been doing it, we've said repeatedly over the course of this series that dating is not a period of attachment; it's a period of assessment. What you need to know is that that period of assessment is never more difficult… The great dating dilemma stands before you when you look at someone and say, "You are so great, so why am I not attracted to you more?" That's the question we're going to get into tonight, because we all know this feeling.

Like, on paper, you've looked at someone and said, "Man, they're the perfect match. They care about their body. They're motivated in life. They're actually trying to contribute to society. They're moving up in the career world. Whenever we have a disagreement, they don't bail out or pull away; they lean in and try to process things with me. Whenever I've taken them around my friends… My friends don't like any guy or girl I ever bring around, yet they all love them. And I never have to carry the conversation. I've had to do that so many times, but with this person I don't have to carry the conversation. They actually contribute to the conversation."

Yet, despite the fact that they look good on your arm or they have the perfect romantic résumé, and you've read it through multiple times, you can't help but look at them and say, "Man, you're so great, but something is still missing." What do you do in that situation? Well, that's what I want to talk about with you tonight.

Like any good diagnostic, what we have to do first and foremost, though, is triage the underlying issue if we're actually going to develop a suitable treatment plan, which means we need to get to the heart of why you're just not that into them, which is a really easy question to ask but, admittedly, a harder question to answer.

The reason for that is the mind and the heart don't always agree. We know this. Rachel should have stuck with Bruce, but she ended up choosing Harvey Dent. Katniss knew "Gale makes the most sense," and we all know that too, yet she ended up with Peeta in the end. The heart wants what it wants, though the mind knows what it needs.

When those two things run in opposite directions, what happens is it leaves you more confused and less convinced about a relationship. You'll look at them and be like, "You're legitimately amazing, a great person, but I'm just not attracted to you. I wish there was more there. Why is that the case? Because I don't want to bail out on this thing."

What is going on? What are you supposed to do? What is it that's missing? I'll tell you what's missing. It's chemistry. That's what's missing when they're so great but you're just not attracted to them more. Like, they have the right combination of character, but y'all have the wrong combination of chemistry.

So, what is the right combination then? Well, I was listening to an interview between Chris Williamson and a guy named Charlie Houpert, and they were answering the question, "What do attractive men have most in common?" Charlie was answering this question as a guest to this podcast. He is the primary voice when it comes to charisma coaching on YouTube. He has the biggest channel committed to this specific topic.

As they were discussing it, Charlie said guys who are attractive most often have in common these three things: First, they are interesting in the sense that they can carry a compelling conversation. Secondly, they have standards, both how they want to live their life and who they want to live their life. They care about those things. Lastly, they can build sexual tension. Meaning, they can be romantic.

I thought it was so interesting. Not because I thought, "Charlie, you've really cracked the code on chemistry." That's not what I thought. I thought it was interesting because Charlie is catching up with God and his code for chemistry. It's fascinating. The biblical concept of love is not like our English concept of love. Some of you know this.

In English, we only have one word for love, but in the Greek, there are four different words for love. The first word is a word we're so very familiar with. It's that word agape. It's the idea of godly love, the love Jesus has shown for us himself, because it is self-sacrificing love. This love is the kind of love that marks a person's character. You want to find someone with character, so they need to have an agape love.

While the first love (agape) is all about character, the other three loves are all about chemistry. What's interesting is those three loves correspond with the three things Charlie said in that podcast. The first love is all about social chemistry, the second is all about romantic chemistry, and the third is all about emotional chemistry. They characterize the kind of feeling you should have whenever you're engaged with another person in a relationship.

So, here's the truth: if you're lacking that loving feeling with somebody in a relationship, you're more than likely lacking one of these loves in that relationship. So, what are they then? Well, that's what I want to talk with you about. I want to walk through these three loves, and what I'm hoping you gather from it is there are three reasons you might feel reluctant in a relationship with someone.

The first one out of the gate is called phileo. It's brotherly love, which is why (this is your first point) a lack of friendship leads to a lack of love. The easiest way of remembering what phileo is about is it's the root of the word Philadelphia, which is the city of brotherly love. Now, when we say brotherly love, what we're saying there is it's not love between two literal brothers; it's love between two friends. It's brotherly or friendship love.

This type of love is meant to be characteristic between believers, brothers and sisters, as we relate to one another. Romans 12:9-10 tells us, "Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection [phileo]. Outdo one another in showing honor." But it's also the type of love we should share in a romantic relationship.

Song of Solomon 5:16 says, "His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem." Notice the way the woman identifies her husband in this passage. She doesn't just say, "He's my beloved. He is my darling, my soulmate. He is the father of my unborn children." That's not what she says alone.

She says he is her beloved, but she also says, "He is my friend," which means the basis of their relationship is not just this bottomless pit of passion. They don't just have this deep angst of desire where they have to spend every waking moment with each other. What she just said is "Our relationship is fun. There's an element to our time together that is actually enjoyable." That's the major distinction when you think about friendship.

Like, what value does friendship offer? You don't have to be friends with your roommates. You don't have to be friends with your colleagues. You don't have to be friends even with your family. It doesn't have to be productive in that sense. So then, what good are friends for? Friends are good for joy. That's what they provide in this world. That's what they principally exist for. As C.S. Lewis said, "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival."

I've visited with so many young adults who find themselves in a dating situation where the other person is top of class in so many different ways. Like, they have impeccable character. They have an incredible job. They're motivated in life. They are not just trying to serve themselves; they're really trying to serve other people. They volunteer at the local homeless shelter.

They're trying to make sure they're giving of their wealth for the benefit of other people. They want two and a half kids, too. Yet, though all of this is true, they bore you to tears. It's not their fault. The reality is you just don't have anything in common with that person…no mutual interests, no shared hobbies, no like-minded pastimes. That stuff matters.

In 1926, Clive Staples Lewis met one John Ronald Reuel Tolkien. Initially upon the meeting, Lewis noted some apprehension about him. He wrote that Tolkien was a smooth, pale, fluent little chap who only needed a smack or so. Yet, what's fascinating is it was through their mutual love and common interest in northern myths, storytelling, poetry, and fantasy worlds that their friendship was not only born but blossomed.

These two fledgling novelists would encourage one another as they wrote, to the point that Lewis eventually encouraged Tolkien to have published this little children's storybook he was so self-conscious about, which we know as The Hobbit. What's my point? Friendship is built on common bonds, and those bonds matter. They're not only good to have in life; they are really good to have in love, because it's good to have things in common with the person you're dating.

Now, am I saying you have to have everything in common with that person? No, that's not what I'm saying. You don't have to break up with her just because she's not into microbrewing beer in her garage the way you are. Brooke and I don't have everything in common. Like, she loves running; I hate running, so we don't run. I like action movies; she likes rom-coms, so we watch action movies.

You don't need to have everything in common, but here's the thing: you need to have some things in common so that the basis of the bond you build is bigger than "Well, at least she's hot" or "At least he's rich." Proverbs 18:24 says, "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Do you hear that? That's the kind of bond friendship can build.

In a world where you could have many companions yet still come to ruin, there's a friend who can bond close to you so that you're able to endure difficulty. That's a powerful force. That's the kind of bond available to you, one where someone sticks close. They hold fast. They push through. You want that sort of bond in your marriage, which is why this kind of social chemistry matters. It's why friendship is important.

I remember realizing this for myself. I was dating a girl in college who truly was one of the most incredible people I had ever met. She was smart. She was planning on graduating and going straight into getting her master's. She was goofy. Like, you never saw her without a smile on her face. She was always cracking a joke and trying to get the room a little bit brighter. She was so selfless. She volunteered her time every single week with the Boys & Girls Club in town. And she loved Jesus. Not just the kind of love for Jesus where she was a Christian, but she really tried to walk with him and look like him and live like him.

Yet, I remember, it was a couple of months into our relationship that it dawned on me. "We are two good people, but we're not two good friends." You see, we didn't have much in common. Conversations would fall flat, though we would really work at them. Our time together just grew more difficult. When I realized this, it sucked, because she was amazing. I saw, like, "Man, this would really work," yet I knew, "She deserves to be enjoyed in a way that I cannot enjoy her." So we ended things.

Friends, listen. Every person you date is someone God deeply delights in, so every person you date should be someone you deeply delight in. If you don't… Like, if getting together with that person just stirs up in you some sort of dread, like, "Oh man! It's so hard to ride in the car together or keep conversations going or to joke around or to be nonchalant…" Whatever it is, you need to know that maybe you're not feeling it because you're just not friends. I want to love you enough to say that is so okay, but it is not enough.

The reason I know is because Jesus' love for you and me was formed not only on a foundation of duty ("I need to save them from their sin"); it was formed on a foundation of desire ("I want to save my friends"). John 15:13 tells us, "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." Meaning, if you want great love in this life, it'll take more than a great relationship with a really great person. It's going to take a great relationship with a really great friend, the kind of friend who would lay down their own life for you too.

It's also going to take more than that. That's only one type of love. There's another kind of love we need to look at next, which is the love of eros, which is passionate love, romantic love. The reason you need this love is because a lack of passion leads to a lack of love. You see, eros is the root of the English word erotic. It represents the kind of love two people share with one another in a romantic or sexual kind of capacity. It's intended to be reserved specifically for husbands and wives bound together in covenantal union.

Yet, because in the Greco-Roman world, as well as ours, we had our way with it, we see in the New Testament they don't use this word specifically. It had become so debased at the time of the New Testament authorship that the authors themselves decided to not use this word for fear of confusing their readers that eros was okay outside of marriage. Yet, that doesn't mean the word itself or the concept it represents is intrinsically evil or impure in any kind of way.

In fact, this concept, sexual love, romantic love, passionate love, is represented consistently across the Scripture. The reason is because this kind of love is a beautiful thing. Like, it's procreative. Meaning, it has the literal power to create life. Have you ever thought about that? The difference between no baby and a baby is eros. That's how it happens. I don't know if you've ever learned that, but that's the way this thing works.

Eros, passionate sexual love, literally has the ability to create life. That's why we call it the miracle of life, because it's that powerful. But here's the thing. Catch me on this. It's not just procreative; it's also recreative. Meaning, it's not just powerful; it's also pleasurable. Proverbs 5:18-19 says, "Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love."

Every guy in the room just woke up. "Is that in the Bible?" Yes, that's the Bible. It just told us something really important about this kind of love. I'm not going to get into all of the mechanics of what that's really describing in that specific passage. What you do need to know is that's not talking about procreation; that is talking about pleasure, enjoying one another. This is so important. Sex is a gift. It is from God. It is meant to feel good. You should touch, and there will be sparks. Things might get steamy at some point. That's all true because romantic chemistry matters.

I know, as I say that, you're like, "Yeah, man. Romantic chemistry matters." You know that. That feels so obvious, because every time you touch, you get this feeling. That's true for so many of you, yet that's not true for every one of you. So many of you live in a world where your romantic chemistry is at a surplus. That comes with its own problems, which we have talked about in this series. There are others of you where your romantic chemistry exists at a deficit, and it's why attraction struggles between the two of you.

Why is that? Well, there are a couple of reasons why. The first is the absence of physical attraction. There's a reason Conrad and Jeremiah got so into Belly when she came back from the summer. It's because she turned pretty. Right? Physical attraction ultimately matters. The Bible isn't shy about this fact. Listen to me, because this is really important. I'm not just telling you what I think. This is from the Scripture itself.

The Bible frequently introduces characters as attractive. This is not a comprehensive list, but these are just some examples. Sarah was so striking that both Pharaoh and King Abimelech took her from Abraham. Rachel was beautiful in figure and appearance. Joseph was well built and handsome. David was ruddy with beautiful eyes and a handsome appearance. Absalom was flawless from head to foot with thick, wavy hair. It was said there was none like him in all Israel. Esther was so lovely that King Xerxes chose her to be his queen.

Yet here's the thing. The Bible doesn't just introduce them as attractive people so that you feel this need to become as beautiful as you can. That's not why they're introduced this way. Whenever the Bible takes time to really explain something, it's purposeful. So, it begs the question…What's the purpose the Scriptures are trying to tell us by way of introducing their physical features?

What it's trying to help us understand is that attraction always leads to something. That's what happened for them. For some of them, it led them into political influence. For others, it put them in positions where their charisma ultimately served or disserved the people of God. For many of them, it just led them into marriage. You see, attraction leads to desire. Song of Solomon 4:7-8 says, "You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. Come with me from Lebanon, my bride; come with me from Lebanon."

Do you hear it? He just articulated attraction. "You are altogether beautiful." And it led to desire. "Come on. Come away with me. We have to get out of here. Have you seen you? I have to get you away from this place. We need to escape to the hills." That's the kind of perspective Solomon has in this moment, because he knows everyone deserves to be desired in a relationship. Attraction is one of the primary catalysts for that.

So then, what makes someone attractive? Well, if you ask evolutionary biologists or behavioral psychologists, you'll find they have a lot to say on the topic. I know because I did so much reading. Part of me cannot wait to be done with this series, because I am so sick of researching dating and relationships in our modern world.

As I have listened to everything they have to say (some of which is really brilliant), what you need to know is it just depends. Who you find attractive really depends. It depends on your context, your environment, the stressors in your life, and the needs you have. It even depends on the economy.

I thought this was fascinating. According to research, American Playboy centerfolds correspond with our current economic condition. If the economy is bad, the model's weight goes up. If the economy is good, the model's weight goes down. Why? Why is that the case? Because throughout history, people have consistently found the exotic as attractive. It's the unfamiliar. It's the unnatural that people want to gravitate toward. And it's not just through history; it's even here in our modern moment.

In America, the standard of beauty is you need to be tanned and ripped up, because it's a sign of health and status, but if you go back into the Renaissance era, you find that women were painted as full-figured. The reason was because that was indicative of fertility and wealth. If you go to Japan and look at the geisha, they would paint their faces white because it met the cultural standards and ideals of the day. It left them looking fair-skinned with very distinct features.

The point in all of this is there's no universal standard for beauty. You're going to find someone attractive that someone else doesn't, and vice versa. But though there is no universal standard for beauty, there is a personal standard for beauty. Every one of us will find someone attractive. You have a standard. So then, let me ask you: What is your standard?

For some of you, your standard is too high. Like, if you're only attracted to pictures of people who fill your "Explore" page and you're never attracted to the faces of real people, then your standard is too high. If you walk into a room this big with this many people, and you walk out and think, "Yeah, there were a couple of people there I might be interested in," I promise you your standard is too high. If your dating pool is limited to the random people you choose to DM as opposed to the real people available in life, your standard is too high.

If you're looking for the hottest "this is her" girl, then you'd better be the hottest "this is him" guy, because your standard will be too high. I remember I had a friend who looked at me when I was in college… This is advice I have taken to the bank because I believe in it so much. "You don't hold someone to some standard you are unwilling to hold yourself to." I remember, when he told me that, my jaw hit the floor. It was so helpful, because it helped me to realize just how unfair I was being.

For others, it's not that your standard is too high; it's that your standard is too narrow. You have a very specific type…tall, dark, and handsome. And that's okay. I'm not diminishing where preferences play into dating, but I do just want to tell you this: if you let your type tyrannize your dating experience, then you're going to miss out on really great people. It's a running joke in my marriage between Brooke and me. I'm not her type. She's dark-skinned and dark-haired, so she always assumed she'd find a dark-skinned, dark-haired guy, which is clearly not me. I'm not dark-skinned or dark-haired.

Why do I tell you that? Because you don't want to count someone out just because they don't fit what you expected. If you're looking for a specific set of features in a partner, your standard is too narrow. Guys, listen. Her waist-to-hip ratio doesn't need to be a perfect 0.7. Ladies, he does not need to have a perfectly groomed beard, a broad set of shoulders, and curly hair that you can run your fingers through. That is too narrow of a standard.

Lastly, for some of you, your standard is too low. If you're dating someone who is legitimately amazing…they have great character, and they're a really good friend, but you're just not attracted to them…it could be that your standard is too low. I want to be very clear with you. Physical attraction is not everything, but it is something. So, what's the right standard then? The right standard is that they are attractive enough that you are grateful to be going out with them, but you're not gutted if they choose to leave. That's the right standard.

Let me be clear. Physical attraction can grow. Some of you are looking at the relationship you're in, and you're like, "They're amazing. Everything about them is so awesome. Yes, Kylen, they have everything we just talked about. We're amazing friends. We laugh together a lot. We've made some incredible experiences. We've gone out and have shared in moments the likes of which I'm going to remember for a really long time. I don't know that I'll ever be attracted to them, but it's hard to give this up."

You play the long game. You go slow. Physical attraction can grow. It's absolutely possible. But let me just say this. No one is attractive to everyone, but everyone is attractive to someone, assuming they try. You know, they brush their teeth and fix their hair and don't put on wrinkled clothes. They will be attractive to someone. So don't rob them. Please don't rob them of being found physically desirable in the same way that you want to be found physically desirable yourself.

That's the first reason there might be a deficit in your romantic chemistry. The second reason is not the absence of physical attraction but the presence of romantic apprehension. I think I've shared this in here before. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in four girls and one in six boys have been sexually abused before the age of 18.

I tried to look up and see if there is an average for how many dates or relationships someone will go through before they eventually get married. There is no average for that. It varies across the board. But the reality is if it's one in four girls and one in six guys, more than likely, in your dating journey, you're going to cross paths with someone who has been impacted by sexual abuse in their story.

So, what do you do in that moment? If you're dating someone who has been abused…let me speak very clearly…you do not push them or pressure them physically. You take your cues from them. You move on their time. If they won't give you one, you anticipate you're going to go slowly.

I remember I had a friend who asked me right before Brooke and I got married… It's a question I've adopted and ask every groom that I officiate the wedding of. He said, "Kylen, what does it look like to love Brooke well if things don't go as you expect on your wedding night?" I thought that was the greatest recalibrating question, because it reminded me what matters most. My love to that woman is service at all times and in all ways, even in our most intimate moment. Let that be the case for you.

Then, let me speak to the person in the room who has been abused at some point in the past. I just want to look at you and say it's not your fault. You didn't do that to yourself. You don't deserve to live with the damage. Take as much time as you need, but keep moving forward. You go little by little. You take the steps, whether they be big or small, but you keep moving.

The reason is because God has really good plans for your life, and I want you to trust him enough to believe it. Don't let the past that someone took from you rob you of the future God wants to give you. Trust him. Walk with him. Listen to him. Move with him. I promise he's leading you to a better place.

Great relationships share really great romance. It's always within the confines of marriage (I'm going to stop making that caveat), yet it's why romantic chemistry matters. Here's the thing. How do you test for it? Well, I have really good news for you. You never have to touch the other person in order to figure it out.

You can simply consider, "Have I screenshot a text he ever sent to me? When he speaks, do those words linger in my mind and make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside? When I come into a room, am I looking for her first and foremost? Do I want to find her in this space? When our arms magically brush against one another, was that intentional? Did he mean to touch my arm? Did I mean to touch his arm? Should we touch arms again?" You know, those are indicatives that there's some romantic chemistry and some possibility for passion.

Here's the last one. The third love is the love of storge. It's a familial or natural love. The reason you need to know it is because a lack of care leads to a lack of love. When I say natural, don't think basic. That's not what I mean. When I say natural, what I want you to think of is instinctive. It's an instinctive love. It's the kind of love a mother shares with her newborn child.

The early church represented this really well, because they supported, cared, and provided for one another. We see in Acts 2:44-46, "And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts…"

Here's the cool thing. It's not just a picture of what should be true of us; it's a picture of what's true of God. If you go and read through the Old Testament, you see that God is frequently represented with a paternal instinct. There's a lot of Scripture. I had to cut a bunch, but I'll give you this one, because I think it's probably the most representative of this quality. Isaiah 49:15 says, "Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I [the Lord] will not forget you."

See, the word compassion in this passage is at the heart of what we're talking about conceptually when we consider storge, this familial or natural love, because compassion is closely related in the Hebrew to the word for womb. It's rachuwm and racham. Those are the two words. The reason that even matters to us is because what it tells us is the kind of love God has for you is a love that is nurturing in nature, and because he has that, we should have it with one another. When it's missing, that's really concerning.

If you're in a relationship where maybe they are awesome for all of the reasons we have already previously spoken about… Like, you look at them, and it's like, "You are everything and more that I should want in life. You have filled out my checklist. You have met every criterion I have ever thought." Yet, when you start telling them about what your mom said and that thing that really irked you, like, "She just continues to project the fact that I don't love my sister and I care way too much about my job…"

If their response to you is, "Huh? Yeah. No way. That's crazy. So, what do you want to do for dinner?" that's concerning. That's not a great sign. You're looking for someone you have emotional chemistry with. That's the idea. You want to marry someone who doesn't just care about hanging out and hooking up. You want to marry someone who cares about how you're doing.

I'll just level with you on this. I don't think this is going to catch anybody off guard. Ladies, you're traditionally better at this than guys. You are more fluent in the language of your feelings than men. Now, I'm not trying to stereotype. You can look up the research. It makes perfect sense, because for guys, our typical orientation is task leaning. We would all be quite all right if our day consisted of work, eat, TV, and sleep.

But in a relationship, it's not going to look like that, because you're going to say "Work," and she's going to want to say, "Oh my gosh! What happened? I know you were talking to your boss today. How did that conversation go? Did he accept your proposal? Wait. Hold on. Coworkers. What are their names? Remind me one more time. Okay. Oh, I thought that was David. Okay. So sorry." You're going to hear that from her.

Or she's going to walk in and see you watching a show, and she'll be like, "Oh my gosh! I don't even know what this is. What is this show? Should we watch it together? Catch me up." You're like, "I'm in season 3, episode 8, and I don't have time to catch you up on what's happening in this moment." This is the case. It's not that she's trying to be invasive; it's that she is actually invested. She cares about you.

She doesn't need to know everything you're doing, but she does want to know everything you're feeling, because ladies have a tendency to have easier emotional chemistry with other people. You see, there's a major difference between falling in love with someone and falling in love with the idea of someone. The distinction or difference is a lack of emotional availability. They can be the most incredible human being, but are you the only one who opens up when things are going on in your life?

You're willing to tell them what went wrong at work or the difficult conversation you just had or the troubles you're facing, the insecurities you're dealing with, and they never have anything to offer in return. Or when something happens in their life, like their work goes haywire or their relationships turn south or maybe you're in a disagreement, they pull away. They withdraw. They try to move back into the recesses away from engaging. That's not a healthy sign.

How about this? Do they engage on topics that have nothing to do with them and everything to do with you? I remember I had to learn this one. This was not an easy one for me, nor natural to me. When Brooke would come home from work, I would have to not just listen to the things she was saying, but I would have to ask questions so that I would ensure I was engaged and emotionally available for her.

Guys, if you want to build emotional chemistry with a young lady, then you need to think about what it looks like to become emotionally present with her. I need to make a quick caveat, because this is only within the confines of someone you're seriously pursuing. A lot of damage has been done by both girls and guys who emotionally dump on someone else, get them deeply invested, yet have no intention of doing anything with them. If you're doing that, please stop. For the love of God, don't do that to people anymore.

If you're a guy in the room, and you actually are pursuing a young lady and want to build emotional chemistry, then you need to learn three very important words. Are you ready for them? "Tell me more." That's it. "Tell me more." If you do that, what's going to happen is she's going to light up and tell you things about what's going on in her life.

I remember someone looked at me and told me, "Hey, whenever something is going on in your wife's life, those are windows into her soul, so pay very close attention." Guess what? There are bonus points if you can take old information she has shared and connect it to new information she's sharing. She's going to look at you and be like, "Oh my gosh! You're the most thoughtful man I've ever met in my entire life." Emotional chemistry matters.

You want a relationship where that's true of you, because you want someone who can support you in the goals you have, the trials you face, the dreams you hold, and the hardships ahead. You want someone who is like Jesus, because this is how he cares for you. Matthew 9:36 says, "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." Jesus sees not simply what's on the surface; he sees what's under the surface, because Jesus sees straight to the heart. He wants to know what's really going on, because then he can really care for you. We should do the same thing.

In closing, let me just say this. I know, as I unpack all of that, some of you are sitting here, and you're thinking, "Kylen, we have all of that. In my relationship, that stuff is all true. We have social chemistry. We're best friends. We've made some amazing memories. We laugh all the time. We have all the same mutual interests.

We have romantic chemistry. He flirts with me, and we're playful together, and I have goosebumps and all of the butterflies that should be true. And we have emotional chemistry. I never have to worry about where she stands. I always know where she is, and she always knows where I am. Yet, Kylen, we have all of that chemistry you just unpacked, yet something is still missing for me. Why? Why is that the case?"

I have only one question to ask you. Do they know Jesus? Do they really know Jesus? That sounds like the classic gospel turn at the end of the message, what should be proclaimed from this stage, but I am so serious. Do they know him? The truth of the matter is you can have all of these three loves figured out, but if you don't have the first and foremost love, then you don't have anything.

Our world has figured out chemistry, but they have not figured out Christ. They exist in relationships where they're great friends, and they do flirt, and they find all of the right feelings, yet they have no faith. What ultimately binds a holy God to an unholy people is not chemistry or compatibility, for there was never a more incompatible couple in all history; it was commitment, that he would sacrifice himself for us.

It's that first love, that agape love, that love that is most characteristic of Christ. When we lacked friendship (phileo) with God, he never lacked love for us. When we lacked passion (eros) for God, he never lacked love for us. When we lacked care (storge) for God, he never lacked love for us. Instead, he swept in to make us his friends.

He moved in and wooed you to himself, and he has called you his family…son, daughter, brother, sister…because he has a love which the world knows not. All other kinds of love will fail, but the love of God, the self-sacrificing love of Jesus, is a love that will never fail, nor has it ever failed. If you know him, you'll find them. Let me pray you would.

God, you know I have wrestled with insecurity around this series for the last half of it, yet what I know is there is not a day that goes by or decision ever made that is not, first and foremost, sovereignly orchestrated by you. So, God, I believe, here at the end of it all, on a message that may feel so very niche, you can take it and multiply it to the masses, and you can reach them, these friends of mine here. You can reach them right where they are, whatever their condition or status. So, God, I'm praying you'd do it. I'm praying right now you would bring the dead to life.

That's the story. If you don't know Jesus, you're dead. You're dead in your trespasses and sins, yet that's the good news, the gospel. He stepped in so that you would not have to have death as the final chapter, but instead, you could have life and a story that goes on forever. All you have to do is accept the free gift of salvation by placing your faith and declaring him as Lord. Others, you're here, and there's another step for you to take. Listen to the Spirit and then be responsive and obedient to your beloved. If you need to pray with someone down at the foot of the stage, we're going to be here for you. We're going to respond in worship.

God, we love you. We sing to you now. It is in your name we pray, amen.