We've talked about what to do when you have a crush. Now we want to get real for a sec about the kind of man you should be looking (and waiting) for.
Here's the thing. We know it’s fun holding off for the one who’s a little out of reach. The one who shows you just enough attention to make you think there’s hope, but leaves you guessing and anxious most of the time.
We know that it’s exciting chasing down the bad boy. Afterall, he has a good side, and no one gets him like you do. You can change him, right?
But when push comes to shove, trust us—that’s not the guy you want long-term. So spending time and emotional energy on him now does nothing but add to your already full suitcase of heartaches and scars.
Honestly, you’re probably the most comfortable repeating bad dating habits because it’s all you’ve known. We’re all human, so we tend to flock to what’s familiar. And we tend to give in when culture tells you to follow your heart instead of informing your heart with God’s word.
We’re not saying date the most boring guy you can find. We’re just telling you that what you’re attracted to matters. Because who you marry matters. And it matters long-term that you get this sorted out now.
The good news is, no matter where you are, God can change what you’re attracted to. Instead of looking for a project to change, you should ask God to help you look (and wait) for a leader you can help and complement.
Here are 10 things a woman should look for (and a man should be):
1. Submissive to authority (Hebrews 13:17). Rebellious guys might grab your heart for a moment, but they will not lead you or themselves well. You want someone who will admit that he is not always right and be willing to change when others point that out to him. Does he listen to others and yield to wisdom? Is he part of a local church?
2. Honest (1 Corinthians 13:6). If he isn’t honest, you can’t trust what he says—including when he says he’ll commit to you in marriage. Watch for patterns now. Does he say what he means and do what he says? Does he go out of his way to speak the whole truth in love?
3. Kind (2 Timothy 2:24). Is he nice to others around him? Don’t expect him to be consistently kind to you long-term if he is not kind to others. Manliness is not putting others down and throwing out vulgar jokes. Godly masculinity is kind and considerate.
4. Selfless (Ephesians 5:25). Does he think of your needs and the needs of others ahead of his own? Is he generous and willing to share his possessions and time with others? Husbands are called to love their wives selflessly and sacrificially, “just as Christ loved the church.”
5. Patient (1 Corinthians 13:4). Is he willing to wait for good things? Does he value you enough to wait for you? “Patient” is the very first word used to describe love in the famous “love chapter.”
6. Courageous (1 Corinthians 16:13). Will he stand for what is right when it’s difficult, embarrassing, or unpopular? Will he stand up to protect you? Does he confess sin to other godly men? Will he humbly admit when he is wrong?
7. Gentle (1 Timothy 3:2-3). Does he lash out with anger or invalidate your emotions? Can he control his strength, and balance it with grace? Can he listen and care, or does he make you feel like you’re crazy and #cutebutpsycho? Because hormones are real. And it is possible to feel lonely in marriage.
8. Hardworking (Proverbs 12:24). Is he all about his comfort or is he disciplined? A diligent person can be counted on to provide. Does he work hard or is he prone to laziness (Proverbs 24:33-34)? How does he handle responsibility?
9. Faithful (Proverbs 20:6). This insinuates a reputation. Anyone can fake the things on this list when “simping” to try and impress a girl. But does he have a reputation for being faithful? (Disclaimer: to have a reputation, people actually have to know him. Aka–he’s got to be living in authentic community). Is he following God in every area of his life? Does he keep his commitments? See #10.
10. Committed to Christ (Galatians 5:22-25). Christ should be the focus of his life. This looks like yielding to His word, being prayerful, living in community, and being committed to a body of believers. If this one is there, #1-9 should be too.
Men, strive to develop these qualities by trusting fully in Christ and submitting to His Spirit. Women, look for a man with these qualities. Of course, no man is going to be perfect—you can’t marry Jesus—but choose someone who is striving to be like Him. Men, look for these things in a woman.
And women, if you’re stuck in the cycle of dating all the wrong guys, pray that God would make you attracted to the right things. And open up to the girls around you. Chances are, there’s some healing to be done in you. You are worth more than what you sometimes settle for.
Love you. In it with you.
-David Marvin and Laura Eldredge