Ladies, this one’s for you. And for that moment when you admit to yourself that you’re officially into him…
When it comes to grabbing the attention of the guy you’re catching feelings for, you may have known what to do in your party days. But now you’re getting serious about your faith and it seems like the guys in the Christian dating scene follow a different set of “rules.”
Frustration. Heartache. Confusion. Longing. Wondering if you’re doing something wrong.
You could keep running the world’s play of using your body to get attention. Or you could keep manipulating situations to make sure he notices you…But if you’re looking for a guy who is actually worthwhile, those things won’t work long-term (not to mention, they also belittle your worth and don’t please God).
If you’re wondering if I’m about to say, “You’re beautiful, just trust God”… I’m not. That just feels like Christian-code for “do nothing."
There’s got to be more you can do than just sit in your feels, right?
1. Fix your eyes on Jesus (2 Corinthians 4:18, Matthew 6:33)
No really…it changes everything. If you’re interested in a guy who is marriage material, he’s going to be interested in a girl who trusts God.
There’s nothing more beautiful than a woman who knows she’s loved. And there’s nothing more attractive to a godly man than a woman who is more interested in what God thinks about her than what he does.
Pursue Christ daily: spend time in his word, ask how it applies to your life and apply it. You'll become more like Jesus. As a bonus, you’ll also become less distracted with what culture says matters, and more attractive to a godly man.
2. Don’t let feelings take the lead (Proverbs 4:1)
There are two ends of the spectrum when it comes to girls having feelings for a guy: There’s the girl who shows all her cards and slides into his DM’s. She does most of the initiating, even when he hasn’t shown interest.
And then there’s the girl who gives the cold shoulder, avoiding him at all costs. She does her best to hide her feelings so she won’t feel out of control, vulnerable, or risk being rejected.
Feelings can have a way of nudging us to act a little crazy. And when you can’t sort out how much is too much, try opening the book of Proverbs and talk through it with a trusted friend. The Bible has much more to say about crushing on a guy than you think (Philippians 2:3-4, 1 Timothy 2:9, and Proverbs 1-31).
Pray and ask God to give you wisdom, and to show you and grow you through any heart issues affecting your behavior. Act on truth rather than on emotion.
3. Be welcoming, open & kind, even if it feels vulnerable! (1 Peter 4:9)
Here’s a secret: Guys are insecure, even the godliest ones. It’s much easier to initiate with a girl who is kind and open.
I wouldn’t suggest asking a guy out (see point 4), but in the book of Ruth, we see an example of a woman communicating availability while still giving Boaz an opportunity to lead and decide for himself.
It’s okay to invite him to a group hang every once in a while. It’s okay to smile and make eye contact.
4. Give him space to lead (1 Corinthians 11:3)
To use Ruth as an example again, she showed Boaz through her actions that she was open to him, and then she went home to let him make the choice.
Men were hard-wired to pursue. They want to.
As a general rule, if you’re leading now, you’ll have to lead later. And if you’re leading, you’re training him for passivity, which doesn’t help either of you.
If you stop texting him first and communication ends, it’s a good sign that you were the one leading it. If he isn’t pursuing you, it’s not because he doesn’t know how. Give him the space to lead and see if he does.
Let him miss you once in a while. (Proverbs 25:17)
Consider this point 4.5
Proverbs 25:17 says, “Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house-- too much of you, and they will hate you.”
If you’re always around, he won’t have the opportunity to miss you. And you’ll be spending valuable time and energy on a guy who may or may not be your husband.
5. Guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23)
Lust can be both physical and emotional. Anything you put before God is an “idol.” The Bible warns against having idols (1 John 5:21). Ask yourself and your friends questions like
• Do I think about this person or marriage multiple times per day?
• Do my thoughts about him keep me from being fully present where I am?
• Will I be devastated emotionally or doubt God’s goodness if this relationship doesn’t go where I want it to go?
Don’t call dibs. And don’t talk about him all the time. He belongs to God and not to you.
6. Guard your thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Don’t get too far ahead of yourself or make up a future in your head that doesn’t exist (James 4:13-16). Fight to stay present & ENJOY guys as your friends and brothers. The enemy wants to steal the present away from you, but God has good for you in it!
It’s nothing until it’s something.
7. Talk to your community (Proverbs 15:22)
Ask if there’s something you’re missing. If not by choice, some people are single for a season, and others are single for a reason.
It could just be that God doesn’t have marriage or dating in your future, or at least for now. But it could also be that you have “kale in your teeth”– blind spots you’re not seeing.
8. Don’t settle for a “friendationship” (Psalm 16:6)
That in-between “we hang out all the time but we’re not actually dating and if one of us dated someone else it would be weird” kind of thing.
Draw appropriate boundaries. Don’t give him everything mentally, emotionally, or physically if he isn’t willing to commit. You are worth being pursued and committed to.
9. Remember weakness is your advantage (2 Corinthians 12)
Navigating the world of singleness and desire can be so tricky, sometimes devastating, and at minimum confusing.
Even having a crush is an opportunity to trust God.
There is no black and white rule book to follow, and it can be really frustrating. You could, I guess, avoid the opposite sex altogether, but that strategy probably won’t work if you’re interested in getting married one day.
Where you feel weak and confused, rely on God for wisdom and strength. You cannot mess up God’s plan for you. You don’t have that much power.
10. Wait for the Lord (Proverbs 27:14)
Remind yourself often that God has a plan, his timing is perfect, and he has GOOD for you. He doesn’t need your help to work it out. Don’t miss connecting and having deep friendships in your current season because you are so preoccupied with thoughts of the guy you like.
You don’t want something God doesn’t want for you.
Ultimately, God is the one who turns a man’s heart either toward you or away from you (Proverbs 21:1). Trust him. It’s so hard to believe in the moment, but God’s plan is infinitely better than yours (Isaiah 55:8).
Look up the scriptures next to the points that hit home for you. Write them down. Memorize them. Pray them in and live them out. It's hard to know what to do when you have feelings for someone, but you are not helpless. God is is there and he cares more than you realize (1 Peter 5:7).
Love you. In it with you.
Gentlemen, stay tuned for part 2.