Restless

By Jennifer B

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just restless. Maybe I ask too many questions. I just can’t rest in the moment. Around the beginning of April I was in a pretty good place. There were still problems in my life because, well, that is life. But I could feel God moving and working in me. Then I basically shut down. In my head I had expected everything to suddenly get easier after April 15. I would no longer be working 65 hours a week. I’d have time to read, write, see my friends and just relax.

It didn’t turn out that way. I found out on April 15 that my grandmother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My firm let several people go, including one of my few friends at the office. These things, added with a lot of other little things, led me to a spinning realm of chaos.

I tried to figure out how to deal with it. I knew I should turn to God, but instead I began to fall back on old habits. I turned inward and tried to rely on myself. I shut myself off as much as I could. I didn’t want to open up to my community group, I didn’t want to read my Bible or journal. I gave in to my selfish sinful desires. Because of that, I felt like I couldn’t go back to God. I struggled to make myself pray – I would manage to find time to pray for friends and family, but I wouldn’t talk with God about me. Which is so silly, because it’s not like avoiding the subject will keep God from knowing about what is going on. You can’t hide your thoughts and feelings from him. Yet I tried. I could feel my heart hardening yet again. This is a cycle I’ve been through before.

I posted that song a couple weeks ago by Josh Wilson, "Savior, Please". That song broke through the callous shell I had put up – maybe that sounds trite, but it is true. That no matter how good I try to be, no matter how strong I think I am, no matter what I do, I am not enough. I need God. I need him to hold me up, to save me from myself.

Savior, please take my hand

I work so hard, I live so fast

This life begins, and then it ends

And I do the best that I can, but I don’t know how long I’ll last

I try to be so tough

But I’m just not strong enough

I can’t do this alone , God I need You to hold on to me

I try to be good enough

But I’m nothing without Your love

Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand

I fall so hard, I fade so fast

Will You begin right where I end

And be the God of all I am because You’re all I have

Hallelujah

Everything You are to me

Is everything I’ll ever need

And I am learning to believe

That I don’t have to prove a thing

‘Cause You’re the one who’s saving me

• Josh Wilson (emphasis mine)