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I want to talk about a question that many people wonder silently but don’t often say out loud: “Why am I still single?” With every passing week comes another save-the-date in the mail, another engagement on Instagram, and another existential crisis about whether or not you should redownload Hinge.
When life hasn’t played out how you expected, and everyone else seems to have lucked into your ideal timeline, it’s easy to feel left behind. Let’s explore some reasons you may still be single—even if you don’t want to be—and what God could be doing in the midst of this season you’re so ready to ditch in favor of getting hitched.
But before we can make it practical, we got to deal with what’s fundamental. Namely: Singleness is not a second-rate state of being. We tend to believe married people fly first class while all the singles sit shoulder-to-shoulder in economy, but that’s incorrect — or at least, I haven’t found that hack yet. Listen to what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:6-9,
“Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
Paul says two things about singleness here: it’s desirable and it’s purposeful.
Contrary to what the culture (and even some churches) say, sex and marriage are not needed for a fulfilling human experience. And the reason we know that is because Jesus was both fully single — never had sex, never had a spouse, never had biological children—and yet was fully human. Some of you hear that and think, “Yes, but Kylen, I do want a spouse, and I definitely want to have sex, so…” Well, Paul’s not against that. He’s just putting some respect on singleness’s name, and we should do the same.
Singleness, Paul says, is a gift, not a punishment. Later, he explains that it is beneficial “to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:3).
Singleness isn’t something to endure—it’s something to embrace. It’s not a sign God forgot you. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re second-rate.
You might feel ready. But God sees things we don’t. Just like when the nation of Israel was saved from the slavery they endured in Egypt, God didn’t take them the fastest way to the Promised Land. He knew they would’ve entered a militarized area, and “If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.” (Exodus 13:17)
God took them the long way around because they weren’t ready. The fastest route isn’t always the wisest one. The same goes for relationships.
Some of the primary perpetrators of divorce include infidelity (or lust), pride, and selfishness, and those don’t just magically appear at the altar. No one has ever said, “I do… all of a sudden hate your guts.”
That’s because marriage doesn’t solve your problems—it amplifies them. If you struggle with some habitual sins, those struggles don’t disappear when you say, “I do.” Ask yourself, or even those close to you:
Maybe God, in His kindness, has you single to deal with those things now, so your spouse doesn’t have to later. It’s not always moral either—sometimes it’s situational, like you don’t have a job, or you’re planning to move soon, or it’s personal, and you’re healing from heartbreak. Being single is more merciful than being miserable because you jumped into a relationship as a quick fix rather than looking to the long haul.
You want a love like Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy, Han Solo and Princess Leia, Jim and Pam, Shrek and Fiona…all star-crossed lovers that met their romantic match in the other. According to a study done by YouGov, 60% of American adults still believe in the concept of a soulmate, or one who will complete them.
Which is a nice idea, except for the fact that it’s wrong. The reason we know that is the Bible, because when God speaks about the purpose of marriage, satisfying every want and need of another human being is not what He has in mind. In Ephesians 5, Paul tells us what God meant instead:
"Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” Ephesians 5:31-32
How does it refer to Christ and the church?
Which is an incredibly profound perspective on marriage, yet one that’s very different from the world’s messaging. Because, according to the soulmate myth, marriage only exists for my personal benefit —to fill the emotional vacancies within and satisfy all my romantic restlessness.
We live in a culture racked with unrealistic expectations, decision fatigue, an overemphasis on physical appearance, and the fear of missing out, all because we’re searching for the “one”.
What if instead of entrusting yourself to a checklist, you entrusted yourself to Jesus instead? Because while there is no perfect match in a world filled with imperfect people, there is a perfect God who can satisfy you instead.
“Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.” Psalm 90:14
You don’t have to wait to find somebody who can satisfy your every longing, because that person, the person of Jesus, has found you already. Now, as I say that, am I telling you to just stop looking? No! If you want to be married, you don’t look for “the one” to satisfy you, but instead you look for “someone” to glorify Him.
It’s interesting, when I was researching and trying to catch up on the modern landscape of love, I knew alternative relationship structures have increasingly emerged in the last 20 years — but I had no idea to what extent. What I learned were terms like situationship, open relationship, sex interviews, cohabitation, polyamory, and serial monogamy.
All of which are connections we’ve formed for one reason: we fear commitment.
So much so that Paul addressed it when he was unpacking the topic of singleness in 1 Corinthians 7:36-37:
“ If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well.”
Whether you want to marry or stay single, commit to it. Don’t string people along. Don’t date for years with no intention of marrying. Don’t delay the proposal because you're “comfortable.” That’s cruel.
Now let me be really clear: I’m not saying that commitment is easy. Take it from somebody that loved his options as a single guy —there is nothing easy about committing. Some of you have really legitimate reason for why it’s hard to do: You never saw what a healthy, committed relationship looked like as a kid, you were involved with someone and they took advantage of you, you’ve put yourself out there and been rejected, ghosted, belittled by the opposite sex. I don’t know what it is for you, but here’s the thing: You’ll never heal from it if you only hide from it.
The good news? Jesus hasn’t hidden from you. He committed to you—fully, deeply, sacrificially. Even if you’ve been ghosted, rejected, or abused, His love doesn’t waver. He has given us the Holy Spirit as the seal of our salvation, the guarantee of that life eternal is waiting. He has not left us to wonder what He thinks of us. So we should give others the same confidence if we want to be married.
Maybe you are emotionally ready, not chasing a soulmate, and not afraid of commitment, but you're still single.
That might be because…it’s just not time. Which of all of these feels like the hardest one to receive.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.” Lamentations 3:24-27
Twice this passage says it is good to wait for the Lord, which is surprising because waiting feels pretty bad. Our culture agrees at least, that’s why we upgraded from riding horses everywhere to driving in cars…it’s faster. That’s why we have Amazon Prime, right? Nobody wants to wait 5-7 business days for anything anymore. Waiting feels bad, so how can it be good? Because nothing worth having comes without waiting.
The same is true in singleness. Without waiting, we wouldn’t:
Waiting is where we learn that Jesus is enough.
Some of you feel like you’ve been waiting forever to find love—but love has already found you.
If you’re ready to find love, you don’t have to wait anymore. Because Love has a name—and His name is Jesus.